How far can our ALO's pull us down?

[lmg]

I have a situation that I do not know how to address. Here are the crib notes on my situation...

This January, I had to tell my 18year old AS that he had to leave my home when I found out he was dealing. This was after 2 years full of trying to control his using and getting no where. I helped him find an apartment with 2 "friends", paid the security deposit, helped him find furniture, bought the initial groceries and continued to provide him with a cell phone and car as long as he paid me for those things. He didn't pay and he spiraled downward graduating to heavy dealing and using. In May, he was told he goes to out-patient or he loses the car and phone. He lasted 1 week and then left group to get high in the parking lot. I repossesed his car that night and told him he has 1 week to move the phone into his name and then it's getting turned off. He agreed to enter in-patient rehab and was there for 2 weeks. When he got out in mid-June, he went to live with his father who gave him a place to live, in house meals, a job and transportation to and from all out-patient (IOP) and AA/NA meetings. He pissed and moaned about everything and walked off this job 2 weeks in with no other job lined up. At the 4 week mark, he tested positive at IOP for pot and then proceeded to steal his father's pain meds and sold them for cigarettes. He was told he made the choice to use and deal and the consequences for those choices were clearly spelled out - he had to leave.

That was 2 weeks ago. He apparently has been living with a woman he met at his meetings and still does not have a job. He called his father this morning to say he went to social services to apply for assistance and they told him that we are financially responsible for him until he is either self-supporting or 21 and that he will have to sue us for child support. WTF????? We are supposed to pay him to use drugs until he is 21?????? We live in NY state which does not have an emancipation statute so that is not an option.

I am having a hard time swallowing this. I have spent the past months working my program dilligently. Working to stay in my hula hoop and not enable my son. Working so hard to detach and focus on myself and my daughter. And now I have to worry about my AS dragging me and his father down the addiction hole with him. I am already so deep in debt from the past few years of his addiction. Does anyone have any experience with this?

I HATE THIS DISEASE

[wingover]

I found that when I simply sat on my hands and refused to even reply to my ALO at all, he would usually burn himself out with his impotent threats (or promises..whatever).

My sponsor kept me from reacting or jumping into action. God it was hard. But the fact was this: my ALO had limited financial means, and his drug-addled mind would jump from one intense 'crisis' to another.

Avoiding the bait kept me from playing his game. He would flame out and try another 'game' to engage me which I also ignored..Repeat.

[kathyf]

My experience with child support is that it ends at 18 unless the child is living with a parent and still attending high school. In that case, the other parent is responsible for child support until graduation. Sometimes it is written up that they will be responsible if the child is attending college but I believe that is agreed upon when the original papers and orders were established.

Kathy

[Martha]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I don't have any experience with this,
so all I can offer you are hugs.....

Cyber Hugs and God Bless,
Martha

[carpediem]

How far can our ALO's pull us down? As far as we let them.
Do you think an active addict is going to have enough gumption to find a lawyer who'd be stupid enough to sue his own parents?
Not bloody likely. Sounds like manipulation to me, and another desperate way to compel you to enable him.

[Lyra]

Is any of what your AS is saying TRUE? I wouldnt believe it until I heard it for myself from the appropriate authorities. Its so easy to get caught up in their lies...believe me I know. I cant believe they would make you responsible for him if he is over 18. You dont have to react to this, it sounds like classic manipulation to me but if you are worried I would check with the appropriate authorities who might actually know your legal responsibilities and rights in this situation.

When I read your post title I thought to myself "as far as we let them". The truth is I've let my ALO pull me down and hurt my peace of mind by opening my door to him at 2 in the morning while he is messed up on drugs. Since Ive been doing that he has been taking advantage of my hospitality more and more often. I can't keep letting him pull me down, so I am going to stop letting him. Volunteer, not victim.

[carpediem]

Lyra: ahem....

[Forgive1]

I HATE THIS DISEASE TOO!
We all do. We all want there to be a change.
It sounds like you have been working on changing you.
Keep up the good work! Stay strong!

Side note: I am fairly certain that 18 is the legal age for an adult in the US.
I wouldn't worry about being sued. Seems ludicrous to me.

Peace & Serenity,
Heidi

[BeingStill]

I googled child support laws in New York and was SHOCKED to see that New York courts order support until the age of 21, even though the "child" is no longer under custody at the age of 18.

Rather than going crazy wondering about all this, I would contact an attorney or social services myself and get some straight answers. I don't know that him suing you would ever amount to anything, but you certainly want to be prepared and have some answers. I wonder what other states have child support until the age of 21???

[lmg]

It is a fact that in NY state, the age that parents must provide child support to is 21. In my google searches I found a case from 2005 where an 18 year old girl left home because she felt her mother's rules were too strict and then sued her for child support. Her case was shot down in local court and she appealed to the NY Supreme court. Below is what was written about their decision:

Under New York divorce law, children between the ages of 18 and 21 fall into a special category. While they are legally adults, they may still have child support eligibility. If the child can prove to the court that their parent or parents threw them out of the house or that they left because they were physically abused in the home, the law says that they are entitled to collect child support from their parents.

In Guevara's bid to collect child support from her mother, she could not prove that she was physically abused and admitted that she had left home on her own. The court could not award her child support payments from her mother simply because Guevara felt that her mother's rules were unreasonable. If teens could voluntarily move out and collect child support from their parents every time they didn't like the guidelines and curfews that their parents enforce in the home, the courts would be absolutely overwhelmed and crippled by the amount of requests.

My ex is going to the social services office tomorrow to find out what reality is and I have a call into a lawyer. Thank you all for your shares. They have helped me breathe a little easier and bring my focus back to me and what I need to do to protect myself.

Hugs,
Lori

[Gerilyn]

I live in NY and can tell you what they had previously told me. As long as their legal address is yours, then you CANNOT kick them out of the house. If their legal address is on their license, then you CANNOT kick them out. Sounds crazy but that is what they told me. And yes, in NY I believe (not positive) the legal age is 21.

They told me that I had to go down and fill out an eviction form if I wanted to kick my daughter out of the house.

So, in essence, when I went and changed the locks last year she could have called the police on me and they would have had to come to my door and insist I let her in.

Hope this helps, but I am sure that if you called the local police they could give you much more detailed information.

Best of luck,
Gerilyn

[DRM]

I am having a difficult time wrapping my mind around this one. If someone is doing something illegal in my home, that someone is 18 or older, I don't see the justice in punishing me for kicking them out. I also agree with one of the prior posts that I don't see an addict going to all the work of filing a lawsuit. Lawsuits are a LOT OF WORK and there are easier ways for addicts to find their DOC. I think checking with your attorney and social services is a good idea but I really do not think there is anything that you need to worry about concerning support. For heavens sake, you set him up with an alternative place to live.

Prayers and hugs your way!!

[DianeB]

Just as we dont give advice here, understand that
we cannot provide legal advice either. In addition
the Internet is not law school and not every
thing in print is fact.

Please contact an attorney for a consultation
since every state and circumstance is different.

Hugs....

[drinkingwater]

When I was dealing with my addict, I found that he could not follow through on even the smallest things. He would threaten me with all kinds of things but couldn't manage to actually DO any of them.

::hugs::
Lindsey