Depression

[nichole]

Some days I feel like I can do this...the others (like today) I am so depressed...I lay in bed all day-don't want to talk to anyone...or see anyone. I hate feeling like this. I wonder if I will ever have peace in my life. I do not really know how to change. I am on an anti depressant, I know that it helps...but not enough.

[Cheryl]

But you shared with us ... and that is a positive step. What's your next step? What rock can you take off of the pile?

Cheryl

[nichole]

I do not know...today I just do not feel good. Maybe tomorrow will be different, I just want to feel happy again. Truly happy.

[carpediem]

Massive bummification was the order of the day when I got here. I never thought I would be happy again. My sponsor told me to keep at it, and that things would gradually improve. So did my shrink. Both of them encouraged me to take note of progress -- any progress -- to note when the "good" days started to overtake the bad. It didn't happen overnight, but I did keep working on myself and gradually, I could see the steady progress I was making. Progress, not perfection. I wanted the "express" recovery but I had to take it one day at a time.

Please don't be hard on yourself - and think about the progress you've made. Remember, YOU did that.

[evergrowing]

I can totally relate. I couldn't get out of bed on many days either. It took me time to pull myself out of my depression.

What helped me was to take things one day at a time. Each day I did some form of exercise and I ate some nourishing food. I made a list of 'self care' items and I did one thing off that list each day. In order to write the list I asked myself -- what relaxes me? what makes me smile? what gives me energy?

It helped me to work through the 3 A's too: Awareness, Acceptance and Action

I became aware of my depression, I accepted that it was the reality I was working with and I took action to remedy it.

It didn't happen overnight but it got better. One day at a time.

(((Hugs)))

[Lexie]

I went a differet route when I started feeling that really really depressed feeling. I did research online about grief, and about depression and found something that just clicked with me. It was an article that someone wrote, but the one part that stuck out most was...

It said, aside from writing out your list of things to be grateful for each day, and for all the reasons you have to wake up in the morning. It said to randomly just compliment someone, to bring just a small ray of sunshine to someone else's day, because although self-serving in it's own sense, it also helps to pass along the sunshine without causing myself any actual effort, aside from the effort to be positive.

I started doing this with my friends and my coworkers, and after awhile it stopped being such an effort to be positive. I'm not always sunshinny and happy all the time, and by no means am I anywhere near chipper, but I am not... hide under the covers and let the world just die around me either!

[river rock]

Nichole,
I can so relate.there are still days like that for
Me,but they are fewer and further apart. For
Me the answer is getting involved.dont have a f2f
So it was here.i came to meetings enough to know
People and to reach out to them.ive been here 2yrs
And my best friends are on here. I talk or text to several
Of them everyday sometimes more than once a day. For
Me not just hearing, but listening,followed by doing helped
Me,i started with one day at a time, it made sense,it was
Something i could work on. I then added to it,picked out
Something else to work on,as i am easily overwelmed
Sometimes, it works if you work it. Its up to you.

Love ya
river rock

[Tako]

When I decided to remove myself from the dark abyss that enveloped my life, I decided to immerse myself in recovery (e.g., meetings, sponsor, step work, doing more and more service and attending conventions). In doing so, I realized that I had diverted my attention away from everything that was wrong and cultivated so much that was right. I spent time volunteering and being with people who appreciated my efforts and praised me instead of being with people who violated my space and robbed me of my serenity.

I chose a different path and now my life reflects the efforts I've made. When medications aren't enough or we choose to not use them, then we have to take control of our own well-being. Learning to meditate and working my steps helped me understand my surroundings, my relationships and myself.

Tako

[shaktipat]

Nicole, great replies to your post above. I realized much of what others have said and it finally hit me that this is MY LIFE. No dress rehearsal here. I could make the choice to step it up for me and embrace my recovery or I could the same thing over and over again which results in insanity.
Coming to the online meetings, attending f2f meetings, getting a sponsor, reading the literature and realizing that I am no longer alone and the "WE" replaces my alone "i".
Take care of yourself and so glad you reached out here.
Judith

[Cat]

Nicole, you have shared and that is a huge step. I have had similar bouts of "don't wanna" anything and especially to see people. I don't know if I would have reached out like you have here. So don't take it lightly. Keep working at it and your HP will work wonders. I remember what a relief it was to me to really recognize that I was powerless over my reactions to addiction, depression being one of them. What a saving grace that was to me! It released the pressure that I had to work it out with my willpower or my strength. What I needed to do was move out of the way and my HP would be my strength. It was a lifesaver and it drew me close to my HP like never before. The program is about serenity and that is what peace is. Keep working and it will work!

Hugs, Cat

[nichole]

Thank you. My most difficult part is loving my Abf...not wanting to leave...but not happy living with an active addict. So it seems either way I am unhappy. I am trying to learn a new way to live. I am a nurse...so I naturally want to care for people... I want to heal them. I am learning to accept that I can not fix this...it is hard. I love and appreciate the support.

[Linda (lsv)]

Hi Nichole,

I remember thinking that I would never smile again...and never ever laugh again. I was so consumed with my son's addiction that I completely lost myself. I prayed many days that I would not wake up. It was a dark, dark time in my life. This fellowship saved my life and my sanity. And, it taught me to smile and laugh again...even when things were not the way I wanted. I did not understand this program when I first got here. And, I frankly thought that those who said they had peace and serenity no matter what their ALO was doing/not doing...I thought they were either crazy or lying! Yet, I was so sick and tired of being sick and tired I kept coming back. I was desperate. I kept hearing that if I wanted what what they had (peace and serentiy) I needed to do what they did. This meant I needed to go to meetings, get a sponsor, and work the steps. I went to the online meetings every nite; I found face to face meetings; I eventually got a sponsor and began working the steps. And, I kept coming here every day and read and shared. Slowly, I began to understand the program and began to infuse it into my life. This program really does work if you work it. Please do not think my life is a bowl of cherries. It is not. I have had to deal with a divorce after 32 years of marriage. My son (my qualifier) stays clean for long periods of time and then relapses (he has not chosen to work a recovery program). And yet, I am still standing! Being in recovery does not mean being happy all the time; for me it means I have the tools to deal with life on life's terms. Hang in there...you are not alone.

Love,
Linda

[Marianne]

Nicole,

Everyday is a struggle for me and their are days when I don't want to get out of bed or see or talk to anyone either. I would pray to be taken from this world and to finally be at peach from my mental anquish. I couldn't understand why I was still here when other people were dying that were so happy and living life. I haven't been living life in a long long time. I am trying to believe that their is still a purpose for me. Since finding this forum in the past couple of weeks I am seeing a glimmer of hope for me. I know it is going to be a long struggle but I am willing to give it a try.

Hang in their, I understand.

Marianne

[nichole]

I know I need to go to f2f meetings and get a sponsor...I just don't know how to start. I want things to magically be better!

[Linda (lsv)]

Honey,

I wanted that magic wand too! I just had to accept that it had to begin with me. It was up to me to take hold of my life. I understand. Just keep coming back...it really does work if you work it. And, we all work it our own way, in our own time.

Love,
Linda