New and confused

[Atom]

Hi...I am new here. I have an odd situation, I guess but not that it hurts any less. The love of my life, who is also the addict I am affected by is long distance. We have been together for 3 years and had planned a future together. I knew from the beginning he was an addict. Let me add that the addiction is to marijuana. I guess in some ways, unknowingly, I was an enabler. He had me convinced at the beginning that it was for medical purposes only. He suffers from a disability that does put him in a lot of pain so I never thought anything about it. Anyways, the times we've been together in person he has never touched it. And, yes I know that's true because we were together 24/7. Over the last year things have gotten so bad. I was with him last month and he wasn't doing it again....BUT this time he was showing signs of withdrawal. Some people have said you don't have withdrawals from marijuana and I really don't know having never touched the stuff. Anyhow, he was grouchy and didn't feel good the whole time we were together and all we did was fight. He pushed me away completely. I came home and he ended things...in the relationship aspect. We are best friends and always will be. He got high once since I've been home and has now been clean and sober for 3 weeks. He told me yesterday that I was the reason he hit bottom. The way he treated me and the time we lost and can never get back was what made him realize how sick he is. That's so confusing to me being that reason....I don't know whether to feel good or bad or both about that. He asked me to go to an Alanon meeting. I'm not sure about that...I thought it was just for alcoholics. All I want, I guess is for someone to talk to that has been affected by an addict, also. I come from a very small town where drugs aren't all the prevalent. And also some advice on what I can do for him. I love him with all my heart even though I know he can't love me and my kids right now and I want him to see that I am not giving up on us just because of this...and I have told him that. Thanks for listening.

[river rock]

well you come to the right place, we all love an addict or two or
more. it doesnt matter what the drug is. The thing is we are
powerless over the addict. We have the three C's ,diddnt cause it,
cant control t, cant cure it. it is up to them to enter recovery, or
not. we can only control ourselves. anything we can talk them into,
someone else can talk them out of. when people arent ready, and they are
bribed, begged, threatened to go to rehab, they lots of times use the
day they get out. it has to be a mindset with the addict, and work
the rest of their life. We dont have to be miserable though, we have
our own recovery. Try to find a nar-anon meeting close to you, and
we have them on here nearly every night. keep coming and reading.
much to learn, and you arent alone anymore.
River rock

[Atom]

Thank you river rock...there are no meetings near me at all. I found an alanon one but I'm not dealing with alcohol at all. I think I read on here about a chat meeting and I think that would be a great thing to try. Thanks for the reply...its nice to feel like I am not alone.

[Bug05]

Hi and welcome.
You have absolutely come to the right place. I just started this program three weeks ago and am finding a greater peace in my life because of it. You are not alone. You will find strength in numbers here and support that you never thought possible. The chat meetings are a great place to hear stories from people who share in your pain and have their own ALO (Addicted Loved One) that they are living with. Read the postings on the site to gain some insight or just to see that you are not alone and their is hope. Take care and hope to "see" you at a chat meeting.

Bug05

[drinkingwater]

Hey Atom!
Welcome to our family. My addict's drug of choice (well, his main one anyway) was also marijuana and I can tell you that anyone who thinks you don't have withdrawals from marijuana has never been stuck in a house for a week during a snow storm with a detoxing pothead! They have withdrawals just like any other addict. Weed is just as dangerous as any other drug.

I would suggest trying an AlAnon meeting if that's all you have nearby... Even though you're not dealing with an alcoholic, the concepts are very nearly the same between AlAnon and NarAnon. You're also welcome to join us for online meetings, we have them every night! I actually just went to my first AlAnon meeting and found it to be just as helpful.

I also want to tell you that you did not cause him to reach his bottom. In my experience, addicts will blame everything on someone else if they can. We have the three C's: you didn't Cause his addiction, you can't Control his addiction and you can't Cure his addiction. It's not your fault.

::hugs::
Lindsey

[Atom]

Thank you bug and drinkingwater....I am definitely going to try the chat meetings. It's a place that I am comfortable in. I think there is an Alanon meeting here in my town but it is listed as being a closed meeting? Does that mean I can't go to it unless I am an alcoholic? Sorry for sounding so naive but I have never experienced anything like this before. I really do believe in him and love him and am choosing to do this instead of walk away.

[drinkingwater]

No worries, I am sure you're probably really overwhelmed right now!!

AlAnon is only for family members, not for the alcoholics. A closed AlAnon meeting just means that it us available for family members only, no alcoholics allowed.

I also should have mentioned that I have heard it recommended that you try at least 6 meetings before you decide if the program us for you or not. One meeting won't do the trick, it is an ongoing learning process that you can do in your own time. No graduation dates

The key is to keep coming back!!!

::hugs::
Lindsey

[Atom]

Overwhelmed doesn't even begin to describe it. I am feeling things I never even knew I could. I will give the Alanon meetings a shot. And thank you for explaining what they are.