How to Deal with Honesty

[Cheryl]

Dear Family,

Today, my husband, son, and I went out for a very nice lunch. Despite the differences in my husband's and son's belief systems, the conversation probably shouhd have stayed with religion and politics! Throughout lunch, my son kept getting text messages in response to a mass text that he sent to all of his AA buddies (the traditional, "how are you doing today" text) and so I asked him if his girlfriend was having any difficulty adjusting to his recent immersion into all the AA activities. He responded, "I told her that it doesn't matter what she thinks, because there is no choice right now." And then he proceeded to tell us that they are having an "argument" and she won't have sex with him. I didn't see that one coming, and I really had no response, and neither did my husband. He also shared that he has a hard time with her "neediness" and that he is glad to have his space from her.

I think back to all of the lies and deceit that surrounded him in active addiction, and I would pray that he would get honest with himself and others. And, now he is certainly honest. And I realized today that I don't always know how to deal with his honesty. For so long, the honesty in our lives was missing. I respect my son for his honesty, and i am glad to know that he can now trust me with what he says. I feel like I should follow up and say something once I have my thoughts in order, but maybe it's best to stay out of it.

I know this is trite in the grand scheme of all we go through with our loved ones in addiction. But is part of recovery learning how to deal with having that honest and trusting relationship again?

Cheryl

[DianeB]

I dont ask personal or recovery related
questions. None of my business.

As an adult my son has the right to his
privacy regarding his life.

As Melissa recently posted....Don't ask, Don't tell.

Hugs....

[Lyra]

Did he ask for your feedback or input regarding the situation that he described to you? Or was he simply answering your question about the details of his intimate relationship with, perhaps, more detail/directness than you were expecting? My Mom sometimes would tell me "TMI" (too much information) back when I was in my early 20s. She would also tell me that "we dont need to know everything". Which I appreciated-my parents trusted that they raised me to the best of their ability and that I would be ok. They didnt give advice or feedback unless I asked for it directly. If they thought I wanted feedback but hadnt directly asked, my Mom would often say something like "Did you want feedback/my opinion on that or were you just letting me know/just need me to listen?" I appreciate now how unusual my Mom was to respect my adulthood and my independence to this degree as I hear more and more stories about other peoples' parents. Sometimes I did want an opinion or feedback-but once I moved out and started my adult life I never got it without me explicitly saying I wanted it. Great awareness my Mom has I appreciate it:)

[Lyra]

I forgot to say-great awareness on your part as you deal with this new situation of your son in recovery:)

[Melissa]

Cheryl--

you wrote---

I feel like I should follow up and say something once I have my thoughts in order, but maybe it's best to stay out of it.

I know this is trite in the grand scheme of all we go through with our loved ones in addiction. But is part of recovery learning how to deal with having that honest and trusting relationship again?

I had a similar experience with my son and his GF last weekend.

Our son's gf mentioned his horrible sleep patterns. The conversation escalated to more personal detail. I put my hand over my ears and said "Too much information!"--they laughed. I blushed.

We changed the subject--honesty is one thing--but personal & intimate details do not need to be shared with parents.

When my other son and his wife were separated and later divorced, I did not need the details of what caused the split. I supported our son, and unlike I am prone to do with his addict brother, I did not ask 100s of question. It was private and painful time in his life (and ours too as parents and in-laws).

TMI...TMI...TMI ..while we do not give advice here, I will say the image of the three monkeys comes to mind: Hands over eyes, mouth and ears is sometimes the best course of action.

(((hugs)))

[Cheryl]

Thank you for the responses. I wanted to TMI TMI TMI .... but it just took me by surprise. There are things I don't need or want to know, even though I really am glad that we have an honest relationship now. From now on, no questoins about recovery! And I do love those three monkeys! I have two sets!

Cheryl

[carpediem1]

Oh jeez...how unlovely for a mama.

I'm with the TMI crowd here. It doesn't make me a prude not to want to hear intimate details of anyone else's sex life. I'm far from prudish, but there are some things I just don't need to know. I count a handful of friends in the circle where I'd share my own stories, or would be willing to listen to theirs. My daughter's still too young for an active sex life and I am trying to figure out how to strike a balance on what's appropriate and what's not in sharing information with her. I changed her diapers, for Pete's sake. That's my baby!

We're all trying to find our way, addicts and nonaddicts alike. I think it's just fine to recognize your comfort level and set up boundaries for yourself that make you comfortable. In the meantime, I am feeling that internal squinch on your behalf. TMI!

[Debness]

Oh, man, I know what you mean about TMI. When I was a teenager, I fully believed what my parents didn't know wouldn't hurt them. I later found out they knew a lot more than I thought, but they didn't have to "officially" know it or act on it.

When we had just found out our son was an addict and he was in very early recovery, he told me a long, convoluted and breathtakingly scary story about having Guatemalan drug dealers in his car. A few days later he told me his girlfriend (also a recovering addict that was in the car too) had let him know she didn't think I needed to carry around that kind of information in my head, and he apologized for telling me.

I somehow thought when I was hearing it that I had a duty to listen to whatever he wanted to tell me. If he could live through it, I could at least hear it. It wasn't until I heard what his girlfriend had said that I realized I absolutely did not need to hear it.

Still, the other day when his sister was haranguing him about shaving what she considers his nasty facial hair, he did mention that he trimmed his mustache because it is hard to kiss otherwise. I blushed at that revelation. But I have never said one word about his hair, facial or otherwise. He's clean and sober and he looks beautiful to me.

Debbie

[shesajar]

you know, my AH is going through a similar "phase" in his recovery.

A big part of his problems were his desire to please people- he would reflexively lie if it would make someone happy or think better of him. He's combating that hard, and it's having some unintended consequences.

He cusses in front of people he shouldn't cuss in front of. He has a very "it is what it is, take it or leave it" attitude, and he can be really intense in conversation. It's like when he removed the bad filters, he removed the good filters, too!

It sure beats the old AH, but there is some refining left for him to do...

[mcollins5]

Recovery in action!

Mary