So Tired

[tarabame]

Today was my first day back to school teaching English to kids in rural Thailand. I've been on break for nearly the past 3 months. Today didn't go so well.. Last night I couldn't fall asleep -- whenever I have something to do the next day that's important, my brain won't allow itself to sleep. It's like I'm being punished. This has been going on for so many years and nothing works.. strong sleep meds, nothing. It's completely psychological, and I feel helpless about it. Finally fell asleep around 3am ( went to bed at 10pm), and woke at 6. Then I checked my email, and had a message from my brother. For any of you who haven't read my last post, he's nearly 30 years old and a heroin addict. Just released from another jail and treatment facility. This has been going on for so long, but the really bad stuff about 8 years. My dad was a heroin addict which ultimately took his life, a long time ago. My brother still blames my dad for so much crap it's unbelievable sometimes. When he's not blaming me, my mom, or Philly.
Anyways, the email said that (and he knew it was my first day back to class) that he had a dream that he never saw me or my mom again, and that he hopes that doesn't come true. He said staying in Philly is a life or death decision for him, meaning that my mom should pay to 'get him out b/c he can't take it there anymore'. This conversation has been going on for years. He said he's miserable and doesn't ever want to get up in the morning, all because he's 'stuck in Philly' and this is the reason why he has to use. Anywhere else he'd be fine..... right. I mistakenly wrote him back, really wish I hadn't, and I said, 'Well it's obvious you're using again,'.. and he said he did twice and that was about a few weeks ago. He doesn't realize that I have been dealing with this for so friggin long that I can hear it in his speech, even if it's only written ... he was not sober when he wrote me.
So I just don't know why it's fresh pain to me, each and every time, it never gets much easier each time I hear all this (same) negativity from him... it's so hard being away and when I would think about it today, my eyes would fill up with tears, and here I am seeing coworkers for the first time in months, and they're looking at me like 'what's up with her'... even more embarrassing so in front of the students.. So all day today I had maybe 20 whole minutes when I wasn't thinking about my miserable brother. I wonder if anyone else is like this and why I can't just forget about him?? All he's done is bring me pain. But I just know what he is when he's sober, and it's a 100% completely different person, as Im sure many of you have experienced with your loved ones. Noone here in Thailand really understands, the language barrier is so difficult and there are no drugs here. At least where I am, anyways.
If I don't get sleep tonight I'll be a wreck again tomorrow, and judging by how I feel right now I don't see anything different happening in that department.
Also, my mom wrote me a long message about how weak and fragile my grandmother is getting, and how she has been on lethal amounts of drugs for months and it's my mom's duty to help her off of them. Sad about my grandma, I love her to death, but I know all the drugs she's been given have been from a doctor, and she probably doesn't even realize she's getting high from them. No blame there with her. Just grateful that she seems to be doing much better the past week or 2, judging from the email my grandma wrote, not my mom's account. My mom's another story.. she takes pills every single day and never wants to talk to me (or anyone) when she hasn't taken any.
Life just really sucks right now for me, I mean I'm relatively young and I have my health, yet I cannot for one hour stop obsessing over the destruction that drug addiction brings and how it affects my loved ones.. The highlight of my day was when I got to leave school and type this message. What a fun time I'm having in Thailand! (sarcastic laugh...) But I am feeling slightly better after writing it all out to people who can understand. Typically I'd be banging away on my computer keys in an email to my mom, and we'd just go in circles.. Don't get me wrong, I love my mom, but her situation of addiction is much different than my brother's.. she can control it and is functional, and I have no concern of it escalating into something more severe, but it sucks none the less.
Any insight at all would be very much appreciated!

[JanetsHope]

Dear Tara,

I hear the exhaustion and heartache in your words. I wish I was
close to wrap my arms around you and give you a big hug and
say I understand. When I first came here almost two years ago,
I felt like the burden of so much rested on my shoulders.

Since learning to put the focus on me and my well-being, little
by little, I have learned to let go and detach with love from
the people in my life for whom I just didn't have the power to
make better, no matter how much I wanted it.

It sounds like you are an amazing young woman. Keep coming
back. Little by little, you will find the peace, serenity and
happiness in life you deserve, regardless of where your mom
and brother are in their journey.

Biggest of hugs to you,

Janet

[tarabame]

Thank you for your kind words. Really like that version of the Serenity Prayer!

[evergrowing]

I want to give you a big hug too. I hear your pain. I understand. This program helped so much. It helped me sort through the layers of confusion until I found some strength and clarity.

I wasted so many days in my life preoccupied with thinking about my ALO's and other difficult people in my life -- resenting the past or projecting about the future. I missed so much.

Now I can feel sad for them, hold them with love in my heart and know that since I have no power over them, there is nothing that I can do, so I let go and live my life.

I imagine them wrapped up in the arms of their HP. I say the serenity prayer and I pray for them. I still have good days and bad, I still love them and worry sometimes, but I now feel worthy of peace, sanity and even joy in my life.

Keep coming back here, get the literature. This program truly works if you work it. It gave me everything I needed to find the strength, courage and serenity I wanted in my life. I sleep much better these days.

You are not alone (((Hugs))).

[tarabame]

Thank you so much.