Good news....Bad news

[ronniemc]

Went to see my AS today during visiting hours at rehab. It is so good to see peace on his face. It gives me hope. He didn't want to visit the entire two hours and that was ok. He is working his program and feels good about himself. He says he will do it this time. I pray that he will but I know life will always be a battle for him. I am giving him moral support only and encouragement. I am working my program too and have bonded with my al anon family and look forward to my meetings.

The struggle for me is at home with my recovering AH who is mad at our son and won't even go visit or talk to him over the phone. This is sad for me because he is depressed and giving me the silent treatment as well. I have asked him to go to meetings or counsling but he says no. It's no wonder that losing a child or having an addicted child causes divorce and that's where we are headed. The stress has torn us apart and I don't think at this point either one of us wants to fix it. All I can do is keep getting help for me.

[finallyready]

Good news Bad news is right. However it seems more good than bad. Your son is working his program you are working yours. The stress will always be there so keep on keeping on!

[Cheryl]

Dear Ronnie,

I am very glad to hear that your son is doing well.

As a parent of a son who is in recovery JFT, I understand the conflicts. For me, dealing with my son's addiction and all of the setbacks and disappointments before he chose recovery was a grief. I grieved, and my husband grieved, but we did not grieve in the same way. And at times, that made me angry and I too did not think that our marriage would survive. We had many of the shouting blame matches. But somehow, we realized that we had to come together on issues (e.g. financing rehab, paying for an attorney). It's not been easy, but part of my recovery is letting go of what I think others should be doing or how others should be recovering. I think I let go of the "you should"s.

Cheryl

[snow23]

My life is such a mess right now, that it would be dumb of me to offer any sort of insight, other than I am sorry you are going through this.

I hope that your AH will come around and understand that his rejection of your son is like a rejection of you, since he is your son, and you want the best for him.

Good luck to you

[DianeB]

It took me quite awhile to stop taking responsibility
for my loved ones feelings and their relationships.

I wanted so badly for my son to have a good relationship
with his step father and his brother...I went overboard to
ease the process. Making excuses for unacceptable behaviors,
constantly reminding my son to remember their birthdays,
taking responsibility for them all. My job...to fix everything.

I learned the hard way, by almost alienating my husband and my
other son, that I had to step aside and allow them all the dignity
to rebuild their relationships...or not. It was not mine to own.

My son had many amends to make...but they were his amends and
I couldn't smooth that path. With time, amends, and consistent
recovery, my son did mend his bridges with his relationships. All
without my help or intervention.

Those relationships were not in my hula hoop....

Hugs....

[ronniemc]

Thanks Diane
I needed to hear that. My husband asked me if I wanted him to go see our son and I told him when he was ready to see him yes but not to go on my behalf. I almost think it is best that they both get the space they need and as you said, It is not my place to fix their releationship.