How to cope without just running away

[Buela]

With all the crap that's happened in the past couple of weeks, I've been feeling pretty good about where I am and how I'm doing: I'm going to several f2f meetings each week (though mostly al-anon), I'm here in this community a lot, I'm trying to focus on taking care of ME.

What just struck me is that I am mostly taking care of me by running away - either to a meeting, or to do something else outside of the house. Right now, other than locking myself in my bedroom, I don't know if I can be nearly as successful taking care of me while in the same house with my addict step-d and her probably-addict babydaddy, who are still living there. I am cordial to them, but I am still avoiding them as much as possible. I find myself being GLAD that they seem as uncomfortable with being around me (ever since I discovered pain pills, klonapin, and half my change jar missing from my bedroom which I'd forgotten to lock last Friday), because if they're uncomfortable then my thought is that maybe they'll move out sooner. I just don't want to be there, and I don't feel like playing "let's pretend everything is ok" in the mean time.

But, I also recognize that this probably isn't really taking good care of myself. It feels.... wrong. But is it wrong because I'm so used to being "nice" and acting as if everything's ok and going out of my way to make everyone feel comfortable, or is it wrong because the things I'm doing are not truly healthy for me? I haven't figured that out.

So, I really don't know what "taking care of myself " looks like when I'm in my own home sharing space with my thieving, addicted step-d and her babydaddy. I only know how to take care of myself by leaving.

If anyone has stories to share that would help me understand better what taking care of yourself while actually sharing close physical space with your addict can look like, I would appreciate hearing your stories.

[Believer]

Hi Buela, One of the best things I have learned by working this program, Is I have choices, I do not have to be in situations that I find are crazy making for me. I do not have to engage or participate in them. I do not have to solve others problems or be the peace maker or continue to expend my efforts to make them bend to my will. I find much peace and happiness for myself by removing myself and doing something that is healthy and productive for me. I enjoy my f2f meeting and I am grateful for the step study and those who have come before me that are so willing to share. I have learned if I am starting to feel resentful or trapped or negative about a situation it is better for me to take a step back and let myself breathe and they take whatever action that I need to that will help me change my attitude and find some peace. I do not consider this to be running away for me it is self preservation. There are so many things in life that I have to do, need to do, I am learning that equally important is finding a balance in my life that allows me to do what I want to do.
As I shared with you before I am the legal guardian of my 4 year old grandson, we get out and go to the park frequently, go for long nice walks, sometimes visit friends, or family.
He is playing T ball so that gets us out and I am able to just stay in the moment and be grateful for the good that is happening. I have found the more I actively detach from the problems in my life and just put my best foot forward seeking out what I need to do to improve the quality of my life serves me well in my growing into a more optimistic, happy and less stressed and resentful person. Baby step by baby step, I am learning better ways to manage me. I like it!!!!

peace marie

[river rock]

you know one of the things I found helpful when I first came here,
is to go back, again and again, and read all the replys people wrote
to what I posted. When I would post in the beginning, I was so overwelmed,
and so looking for a way to change everyone else, I didnt listen well, I didnt
hear what people were saying to me, I didnt hear what they said they did that
helped them. I didnt try to "get it", hard enough. I wantged to know, but I wasnt
ready to give up that control to try, to listen , to hear.
River rock

[evergrowing]

I don't think going to a meeting is running away. It is being proactive. It is taking steps forward in your recovery. While I was living with active addiction, it was hard to create the kind of space that I wanted in my own home. So I often had to leave too. But I felt like it was part of my progress. I was leaving to go to meetings, meet with fellowship friends or other friends, go exercise, meditate etc. These were all very healthy activities that I needed to do to heal myself and to discover the strength, wisdom and courage I needed to make changes in my life.

I ultimately decided that I couldn't live with active addiction. While it was in my home, its toxic energy permeated everything. My home, my space is a sanctuary. I realized that I am worthy of living in a peaceful, healthy, drug free space.

It all took time for me to get to a point where I could say that and mean it. Where I wasn't trying to control my ALO but I was just taking care of myself. It took meetings, and more meetings for me to really change. It took working the steps with a sponsor.

So glad you are here. You are worthy of it too. Keep coming back. It works if you work it!

[wingover]

I ultimately decided that I couldn't live with active addiction. While it was in my home, its toxic energy permeated everything. My home, my space is a sanctuary. I realized that I am worthy of living in a peaceful, healthy, drug free space.

Toxic is the right word for me as well. I finally 'ran away' from my addict and towards a healthy life that includes laughter, happiness, and people who enliven me..not drag me down. 'Running away' to a meeting kept me from imploding at home where I was trying to 'make nice' with my parents (who were living with me full time, and we had our own issues), or running toward my addict and enabling him further.

Some are able to use this program, co-exist with their addict (whether they are using or not), and find joy. Not me.. My journey of self-discovery included finding my own personal limits (boundaries?) and saying 'it's ok to run away from toxic'..

[TooShyToScream]

In my humble opinion, I don't think there's anything wrong with going to a meeting or going out in general to get away from the chaos that other people bring to the home. I don't think going out is "running away" from anyone necessarily, I think it's taking care of yourself. I know that when I feel exhausted with my addict's behavior I definitely need some space of my own to calm down and get my mind off things. I feel as though I am taking care of me and my feelings when I do this. If what you're doing makes you feel better and helps, then keep doing it. Feeling better is always the goal.

[Buela]

Well, we've given them an absolute "doesn't matter if you're sleeping on a park bench" deadline of July 1st to find an alternate place to live - they'd be gone already if I could deal with kicking out a sick pregnant woman (pregnant with my grandchild) with no notice, but I can't. So at least I have a deadline because I absolutely WILL NOT live with this indefinitely.

Thank you for your perspectives. It helps - as is probably no surprise, I'm so used to being THERE to take care of everyone (especially my two granddaughters who we're raising - my pregnant addicted step-daughter's two children) that I feel guilty about leaving them in their mom's care, but I keep trying to tell myself that they won't die if they eat mostly spaghetti-o's for a while.

[kathyf]

I think going to a meeting is good self-care. I don't consider it running away. I wish I had face to face Nar-Anon meetings in my town. Living with active addiction is toxic for me. It brings out my codependency like no other and makes me insane. I think every person is different as I see a lot of people who maintain relationships and live with addicts. Currently I do not live with addict addiction because my son is in prison. However, he won't be there forever and I suspect I will be given an opportunity to structure real clear boundaries in the not so distant future.

Meeting makers make it!

Love,
Kathy