A bit awkward but no blowups

[kathyf]

Well, I survived the trip to Children's Hospital and back. When I picked up my daughter we were chatty for awhile. Catching up a bit on this and that. We really aren't very comfortable around each other right now. Dental appointment went fine, stopped and grabbed a bite to eat and then headed home. She played her ipod on the way back so we listened to some tunes. I was grateful for that because I really don't know what to say. It gave me time to ponder but I forced myself to stay away from the "what if's" and the "I wish I would have's" and all the other statements I say that beat myself up.

I'm sad that not so very long ago we were comfortable together and now suddenly it's all changed. I'm really trying with intention to be glad that she's happy and not feel jealous that my ex has swooped in and saved the day...again. This is hard and is going to take a lot of work on my part. I have so much resentment towards him and anger, too. Somehow he always lands on his feet and I'm the crazy one. Other than while he was in Iraq working as a private contractor, he has worked very little for more than a few years now, somehow eking by, yet always available to do the fun stuff like dropping Taco Bell off at the school at lunchtime, going to the movies with the kids; just basically at their beck and call for fun, taking the kids to the the lake skiing right after school and being the cool dad. The guy never frickin works. When we divorced I had to work fulltime, losing a very comfortable income and job that allowed me to volunteer in the schools, go on the field trips, vacations, etc. I hate my job but I've done it dilligently day in and day out for 11 years now. I had to to survive financially. I had to keep a roof over the kids heads and feed and clothe them because he wasn't paying child support. They forgive him everything just like that. Poof! All the disappointments, tears, custody battles, the drunk driving, the fear they used to have so intensely, the pain. Just POOF!

And I'm the "bad guy." Why the hell does he always land on his feet and get to be the wonder dad? I told you I have resentments. I know they are harmful to me but I just don't know how to let them go. I feel so much loss. It just hurts so bad. I feel like such a whiner but I don't know how to get over it. Sometimes I think I wasn't cut out to be a mom. Last night, for the first time in a long time, I thought about just leaving. Having my own POOF! Just going away and saying eff off this crap. Let them all live happily ever after.

I'm going to go plant some pansies.

Kathy

[dmom]

I am glad you are planting flowers Miss Kathy.
You are a good Mom.
I am struggling to accept "what is" because it is not what I hoped for.
So very hard to move forward some days.
Lean on us here.


((((hugs)))))
dmom

[PBH777]

I hope you enjoyed planting the pansies.
love,
njmom

[river rock]

I love you!!! so cute, blah blah blah,
Im gonna go plant pansies !oh , this is just a
phase, a stage for your daughter. she just
has the oppurtunity to make up for lost time
with her dad, and guess what ? when she matures
a little, she will see what you did for her. If she
loves him for doing nothing and not being there,
will she not love you even more? I bet she enjoyed
that time with you, but she has to be cool!You are
working it, you will be fine sweet lady!
love ya
River rock

[cyndyava]

I understand exactly how you feel. It can get frustrating feeling like I am the only one who has to work. I work full-time as a high school teacher in a huge public school. Then I full-time single parent my almost eight year old daughter.

Her dad, my recent qualifier hasn't worked in over four years. He lives with his parents rent-free and comes and goes as he pleases. He has been collecting unemployment for the past few years (fraudulantly, but still!) and uses this money to go on trips, camping, buying new expensive shoes, eating out on the regular...everything he wants.

All that while I care for our girl. Yes, it gets me angry and frustrated. But I try to keep the focus that this is just the way it is for today. No one knows what tomorrow brings. And I am a firm believer in karma...that what we sew today..we will reap in the future.

Does sound like your daughter is going through a phase. Sounds like this is a bit of the "honeymoon" stage for both of them. Soon enough, reality will set in and things may look very different.

Thankfully, our HP only gives us one day at a time...and we can only see one day at a time. We can't see the bigger picture, so it can be disheartening. I have been trying to just keep my eyes on my own road, my hands on the wheel of my own vehicle...and to just keep striving for peace on my journey--no matter what others do.

Sending you love and hugs. Hope you found joy in planting your pansies.
Cyndy