what do i do with this knowledge

[What_A_Day]

my only sibling, younger than i am, tells me they "hurt their arm at work" but today, one week later, they asked if i know how to get antibiotics without going to hospital. i immediately know now that my skeptical gut feeling was unfortunately correct, so i called my sibling who admits to the drug using arm being infected... i give the advice of, "if you don't want to lose your arm, you will go to the clinic or hospital, ASAP- tonight or tomorrow."

"...but please don't tell mom or dad" is all i ever here...

"Did you know about this" is all I'm ever asked by everyone I'm not supposed to tell...
and it seems like whenever i do let my parents know about something none of us can change or should not help my sibling with- all i ever seem to do is upset everyone and/or end up in a verbal fight with someone about not helping anymore, or about how my sibling is not the same person to be trusted anymore, or about how i'm the secret-keeper - like i ever wanted to be, i could go on and on but i hate going in circles with this. i just needed to tell someone privately and this is where i felt like venting... i am not looking for answers on what to do, just typing my very scary thoughts and feelings out loud/online...

Financial help has been continuously offered to my sibling but my sibling has only reached out and grabbed it 2-3 times for periods of one week to one or two months... i hope my sibling will be ok and i hope my sibling realizes their lifestyle choices have gotten the worst of them... please pray for me and my sibling...

[Jim78]

What-A-Day,

One of the things I have learned in Nar-Anon is to ask myself "is it my business or does it have my name on it?" If the answer is no then I don't get involved.
Because my AS has only lived in my house, at school or in rehab, his mail comes here. I used to open his mail to determine if it was important enough to forward it to him. Many times the mail was overdrafts on his account and I always got pissed off when I saw them. Now I don't open anything with his name on it, I simply forward it to him.

I hope that your parents can learn to keep you out of the middle of your sibling and what they want, it is unfair to you to put you in that situation. My ex-wife and I made it a point to keep our other two children out of our AS's mess. They are aware of what has happened, but unless asked we don't discuss his addiction with them.

Come to some on-line meetings or go to a f2f. They help.

Jim

[river rock]

It seems like you understand you are
Powerless. Not fun to be in the middle.
You will be in my prayers.
Love river rock

[kathyf]

Being in the middle is hard. I'm sorry you're experiencing this.

Love, hugs and prayers to you and your sibling.

Kathy

[jeanette]

I just want you to know you are heard and understood

(((hugs)))

[drinkingwater]

I too was often stuck in the middle between my addict and his parents. I found it to be very uncomfortable. I finally had to step out of the middle forcefully by saying to each of them, "Please don't involve me in this anymore. If you want to know something about the other, please go directly to them." I refused to keep secrets for my addict and told him I would not lie for him anymore. It resulted in him not sharing 'secrets' with me anymore, which I was fine with. I don't want to know that stuff. If I got asked "Did you know about this?" I responded that it is none of my business what someone else does. I do not have to be in the middle if I don't want to be.

::Hugs::
Lindsey

[What_A_Day]

Dear all,
Thank you for your support in my time of need... I chose to let my sibling tell our parents... so far my sibling has told our mom... and only told her that they are admitted under observation, so I gave my mom more details but not all of them... my sibling's infection is being cleared up and I am under the impression they will be released fairly soon...
Thank you again for allowing me to "find love in a hopeless place"...
Sincerely,
Me

[What_A_Day]

Today I picked my sibling up from the hospital, and we cried, all day. Together and separately. For ourselves and for each other... my sibling has put themselves through so much physical trauma, that I hope my sibling's mentality can break-free of the drug-using lifestyle they've led all these years... I am not expecting anything because I do not want to resent anyone or anything... but I can't even talk about what I'm going through on the sister side of it, on the nursing her back to health side of it, with anybody - but here... I can't even talk to the only other 2 people who know what's going on in my life, my mom and my significant other who is also my best friend... my mom is an addict who needs help as well... and my significant other just gets mad when I say anything about my sibling, he doesn't understand where I'm coming from, doesn't agree with anything being done to help my sibling recover... he is much more impatient with people and things than I am, and I had many years to be angry about people and things I am powerless over, it is not the way to go about being at all time but sure, sometimes we do need to let our hurt show but to baste in it is not right and that is what he seems to do every time I talk about my feelings or my day... It just really hurts that I can't talk to the only person I want to talk to, and should be able to talk to.

[PBH777]

I am so glad you are able to come here and share the struggles and pain that you experience with your sibling. I am glad we are here for you. I am sorry you also have an addicted parent.

love,

njmom

[What_A_Day]

I have had a very stressful couple of months with my sibling but these past 2 weeks take the cake and the cherry on top along with it... I am drained, physically and mentally, from caring for my sibling physically and mentally... my sibling needs twice daily medical care and they are lucky their infection didn't spread to their lungs or bone... so they are able to have both arms and all 10 fingers, because I took them to the hospital in the nick of time... my sibling said they didn't know what they'd do without me, and I told them if they continued to use they would soon find out... I can tell my sibling has used at least twice since they were discharged from the hospital with one diagnoses being "Drug Abuse" and I can't even believe they used after all this trauma they've caused themselves... and I did threaten to stop coming over and giving them medical attention but I did not stick to my word because I am still helping them with wound care even after I know they used because I don't want their wound to get worse, and I know it would be close to impossible for my sibling to do what I'm doing with just one hand... I am told they are going to seek a treatment clinic, which I hate to say is almost like trading one illegal drug for a legal drug but... it is probably best their drug dosage is hopefully safely administered to them and for them... and hopefully wean themselves off of the legal drug... I can only hope... my sibling's need for medical attention is interfering with my school-life and I feel so many feeling towards them right now...

[What_A_Day]

I said a couple of months but what I should have thought to say was a few years... looking back at what I wrote, I realize how much I try to make things appear better than I know they really are... with the past, present times and all my hopes... I hide a lot... and maybe I mask it all with... #1 avoiding other people... and then it seems like when I'm finally ready to talk to some people, I am armed with smiles or frowns I never want to talk about because if I speak I might burst... I mask too many unresolved feelings... but no grudges, because I do forgive but I fear many people have a grudge against me for taking myself out of a their social circles but when I have felt like there's been absolutely no good outcomes from me trying to handle the stress my sibling with others, there are always too many conflicts of opinions and interests and some people try fighting with me to convince me their thought is the right one when how can any of our thoughts be correct about what somebody else wants when we are not that somebody? I don't want to ramble, I am just feeling very alone and under-appreciated... I drove so much these past 3 weeks... to give my sibling medical attention twice daily... and go to work, and go to school... and people want to try to justifiably convince me that I shouldn't be helping my sibling at all, that they will be just fine without me but trust me as I type this- as a patient with my sibling's diagnosis, one cannot do for themselves what is required for their proper medical care with one mobile arm and hand... it is so hard for me to see my sibling twice daily but I do it anyway because this is the field I'm in and I know that my sibling does not know ANYONE who will do this for them, and whether my sibling is using or not throughout all of this, it pains me to say that I will still be there for medical reasons NOW to make sure they don't lose their arm LATER... and this is all so very hard for me because I did not see my sibling even weekly before this, as I had tried hard to lovingly detach myself from my sibling for the past year... I am looking forward to the end of my caregiving for my sibling...

[drinkingwater]

Hey WhatADay,
Oh man do I hear so much of myself in your share. My codependency was SO strong. I had such a mistaken sense of responsibility, feeling like I had to care for everyone else, they never said thank you, I felt so unappreciated and like everyone I tried to help was totally ungrateful. Then I learned about the Seven Deadly Needs...

Codependents often have the NEED to...
To Know (EVERYTHING our addict is doing, every second of every day)
To Be Right (And we'll tell you we were right, 1000 times, even if you don't want to hear it!)
To Get Even (You hurt me? I'll hurt you right back)
To Look Good (Hiding all the crap we're dealing with, helping others because 'that's what good people do', being a martyr)
To Judge (I'm not an addict so I know how to do everything better than they do, you're a bad person!)
To Keep Score (I drove so many miles, I helped you so many times while you were sick, etc)
To Control (Everything everyone else does because I know better than you!)

Expecting to be appreciated for doing things for others got thrown out the window when I finally learned to do things for others out of unconditional love, expecting nothing in return. Now, I only help people when *I* want to, when I am comfortable doing it, when it doesn't put me our or make me go out of my way, and when I can expect nothing in return. I don't do things anymore for people who don't appreciate them because it makes me resentful - and I know that having to swallow that bitter pill is my own fault!

You said:

some people try fighting with me to convince me their thought is the right one when how can any of our thoughts be correct about what somebody else wants when we are not that somebody?

Great point. This is exactly why we don't give advice here! It is also why we codependents have got to stop our own advice giving and controlling. It's not up to me to decide what is best for my addict or for anyone else.

My grandfather is really sick and his daughters have decided that it isn't good for him to be alone during the day in case he needs medical attention. He hired a company to send a certified nursing assistant each day to hang out with him. I am betting that companies like that could also do things like change dressings or whatever, twice a day after someone has surgery. If your sister is an adult then maybe she can learn to handle her own medical issues?

It was really hard for me to stop playing the martyr. "Oh poor me, I have to do alllllll these things for everyone else!" Except for I could have said no, handle it yourself. I drove my addict to 1000 meetings and moaned over the wasted time sitting in the car, the gas, the boredom... when I could have just stopped and given him the dignity to deal with his own business.

::hugs::
Lindsey

[lucky43]

Dearest WhatADay. I was just able to read your posts and am so sorry that you are going through this with your sibling and family. Just always remember that we are family here and you need never feel alone again.

My AS is suffering physically from the results of his heroin addiction. Six weeks ago he was in the hospital with such an infection in his pinky finger that they throught he was going to have to lose it. He doesn't live with me and is about two hours away. He got the medical attention he needed and was put on oral antibiotics. I know he continued to use herion while taking the antibiotics -- not sure how that works, but they didn't have to remove his finger.

Fast forward six weeks -- in the hospital with the most awful infection I've ever seen -- it was actually black in the middle of his right arm. I would have been passed out from that pain he was in -- mostly because he ran out of heroin I think. So the hospital did surgery. They had to put a "pic line" in to continue three times a day of antibitic drip. Hell no he is isn't coming to my house! Surprise, the state found a nursing home for him to go to live for two weeks and they are supposedly helping him find a rehab to go to when he is finished. All this without my help.

I'm not saying that I don't enable or go see him once a week. I just know, if nothing else from this program that he cannot live with me ever again. It would send me over the top or crashign to the bottom and I won't.

I will pray some with my HP for you. Keep coming back, you are in the right place.

Genny

[carpediem]

Hey, What-a-Day,

Are you going to meetings? I'd strongly urge you to attend some. Getting out of the caretaker role and getting out of the middle is something I am familiar with. My dad and brother are both alcoholics, so I have been forced into places I didn't need to be just by growing up with this in my family. I have been in the middle for, oh, about 47 years or so until I got here. Family systems like ours don't change overnight, and I had to unlearn a lot of what I learned about "normal" behavior because for me, normal meant caretaking for others who could -- or should -- take care of themselves. I know a lot about covering up the real deal and "acting" normal; I know about going dark and isolating when things get bad. It is absolutely no fun.

It is taking quite awhile, but I am changing my tune and my behavior as well. My relationships are changing. And I feel a lot better.

I hope you are checking out our online meetings, the ones in your area, even Al-Anon if you don't have Nar-Anon. There are lots of people who have walked in your shoes.