Need a shot of strength!

[AnnfromVT]

I am happy to be able to say that my daughter is 3 1/2 months clean. I am very happy for her, and proud of her, as she seems for the most part to be taking steps forward. Some days they are baby steps, some days they are bigger steps, but at least she's going forward.
I guess the same could be said for me. Every day I get a little more relaxed, some days I dont' even think about the fact that my daughter is an addict. Some days she is just my daughter.
The lessons are still hard though. There are still crisis in her life, still bad days. Today her crisis was the fact that she no longer has a bike to get to work, and as it is she arrives to work sweaty from her bike ride. Then later it is a call to tell me that she did manage to borrow a bike to get to work, arrived late, didn't lock it up, and it got stolen. I still deal with the fact that I much of the time I don't want to hear from her. I don't really want to hear her problems, I don't want her to ask me for anything, and I still equate her calls to stress and not good things.
So I guess I"m posting because I just need some strength from those who have mastered the art of not falling into the temptatoin to do everythign for their child, and not feelign guilty when they don't!
I will resist the temptation to help her with her bike dilemma, but I would LIKE to also not get MYSELF stressed about it too!
Its ok to NOT help her today right? To not help this girl who is finally getting her feet under her and seems to get knocked down by one thing or another!

[Believer]

Hi Ann, I am sure you know by now that no one else can tell you what it the right thing for you to do in your own situation. I just can offer my experience that when I have a choice weighing down on me that I am trying to figure out what is the best thing or right thing for me to do. I have learned to give myself the gift of time take a step back and not rush to make a decision right away. My ad has never ever worked or had a job legal anyway So I would probably go to the thrift shop or check Craigslist for something inexpensive and then let go of the outcome. Now that is just me in my situation if my daughter actually made that kind of progress that would be a miracle in itself. Only you know where you have been what you have done, what you need to do, what you believe is the right thing to do. Just take your time and find the choice that brings your peace of mind. I think that is all any of us can do.

Peace to you

Marie

[Melissa]

Hi Ann! It's great to hear from you again!

You said~~~

I will resist the temptation to help her with her bike dilemma, but I would LIKE to also not get MYSELF stressed about it too!
Its ok to NOT help her today right? To not help this girl who is finally getting her feet under her and seems to get knocked down by one thing or another!

I understand your dilemma. I really do.

When my son was in rehab, I had several conversations with a wonderful counselor--yet she did not mince words with me.
There were many things i was tempted to do for my son, including sending him boxer shorts. I always wanted to make things easier for my son.
She told ne to let him wash his drawers out in the sink and dry overnight. He had such an attitude of entitlement. It was time for him to rely on his own resourcefulness--after all, he didn't care about clean boxers when he was using!! She forbade me from sending boxers!!

Long story short(er): The counselor told me that when my son was in recovery and doing the right things, I could meet him part way when he needed assistance.
Now for me, the tough thing to figure out was "What is part way? Afterall, I was used to going whole hog and beyond reason to "help".
I needed to sit back and examine this.

What is reasonable? Replacing things he lost through carelessness?
Helping with rent--paid directly to the landlord?
Shoes for work?
Or, do nothing at all, and let him figure it out?????

I talked things over with my sponsor. I did not react, but "sat on" my decision making for a few days.
There are no exact right or wrong answers. Each situation has to be weighed on its own merit.
I will say this---as my sponsor reminded me---if resentments enter into the "helping" then that was a clue for me to back-off and let him figure it out on his own.

One other thing: Keep coming back!! You have been MIA for a long time & you've been missed.

(((hugs)))

[TooManyHats]

One of the hardest things for me to learn was not to react immediately. My AS had mastered the art of pressuring me into an answer. I found time and time again that whatever I did when faced with circumstances like that backfired in my face. So when he'd start to pressure me my automatic answer would become, give me some time to think it over and talk about it with Dad. If the pressure continued he was told, if you need an answer right now the answer is no. If you let me think it over and talk with Dad I MAY change my mind, no guarantees.

Anything important is seldom urgent
Anything urgent is seldom important

To this day I truly believe this. It was also amazing to see how many times my son resolved his own problems during the time I was thinking things over.

[Cheryl]

Dear Ann,

Welcome back .... I was wondering how you are doing. And I am really glad that your daughter is doing well.

Except for a recent and very brief slip, my 21 year old has been in recovery for about 19 months (that is when he left rehab). I would characterize his first year as a "get well" year .... it took time for him get to the point taking of his own business without relying on anyone else. Today, he rarely asks for help because he doesn't want it and he knows that he has to do it for himself. And I rarely offer to do anything for him.

Before my son was "in recovery", he was a chronic relapser which brought me down too. But over time, the periods between relapses got longer and I regarded that as "waves in recovery". The reason I bring this up is because I would have to say that I too was a "chronic relapser" as an enabling mom, but over time, the periods of uninterrupted recovery got longer. Just as it takes the recovering addict to make changes, it may take us time to make changes. And as I am sure that you have heard here before, "It's progress, not perfection."

When my son's "ring" on my cell phone goes off, I no longer have that "knee jerk" reflex. And just last week when my son had a relapse with alcohol, he was honest with me about it .... he immediately started going to meetings twice daily .... even though I worried, I did not hover but rather told him that I trusted him because he obviously knows what to do. So I would say that I did not relapse along with him. We can recover, it's one day at a time.

Similar to what Arlene says, when I stopped doing my son's thinking and problem-solving for him, he started doing it for himself. Like Mary always says (and I love this line), if it doesn't have my name on it, then it's not mine.

Stay close .... we miss you here!
Cheryl

[NervousNelly]

My daughter is 3 months clean. I'm so very proud of her as I know it certainly hasn't been easy. For either of us. I find that I still have that awful urge to "save" her from life's troubles. Sometimes I succumb, other times I can say NO and stick to it. It depends on the situation and how I'm feeling; strong or weak She is still needy like she was when she was actively using, but I can say it has gotten better. I think that over time it will continue to get better as she is given more challenges that I let her take care of on her own. I will always be there to help guide her, but I'm trying really hard not to do for her any more. It's so, so hard, but it's in her best interest.

Good luck.

Nelly

[JoySeaNJ]

for NEED A SHOT OF STRENGTH,,, "have a little faith it's magic in the night, you ain't a beauty but hey, you're alright, and that's alright by me" (bruce springsteen)

[judymom]

Dear Ann,

I also struggle with how much I should do for my RAD and RAS, especially now that they have finally (after over a year) moved out of my house. They're both adults (25 and 30) and I keep that in mind. I also think things through carefully before I decide to act (very new for me). I give as much as I feel comfortable giving. For instance, my husband and I helped them with the move, but they did all the other things that come with a move, like renting a truck etc. I gave them some household items that I didn't need, but did not go out and buy them everything they needed for their new apt.--which is what I had done with previous moves. Point being, I do what I feel comfortable with and no more. It's a decision we all make based on our own situation. Do I tell them how to run every aspect of their lives? Not any more. Do I let them know about a "free car wash" going on that they may not be aware of? Yes. So it's what feels right for me.

JUdy

[meg]

I think I needed this post and shot myself. I am sitting here realizing that I rush in too quick to help my son. I want to let go, but I am so obessed and co dependent that I have a very hard time. He relapsed at 3 months and I have asked him to leave my home. He has rented a room and has a job...but its going to be really tight. I like what Melissa said about seeing signs of recovery and then maybe meeting them part way. I need to wait for those signs. Right now I am regretting helping him out of the banking mess that he created and getting myself overly involved in his problems. I have to keep telling myself I am not responsible for his choices and consequences. But, I can't be too hard on myself ethier....baby steps...progress not perfection. As long as keep working it and becoming aware I will get better at this.

Hang in there! Sounds like your daughter is doing well...and you too.

[WorkInProgress]

You'll be okay!