The half-life from marriage to an addict

[carpediem]

As some of you know, my ex-AH managed to conceal his addiction. I know I didn't do enough due diligence with my ex-AH. The lying, manipulation etc. started on our first date, but the most hurtful part for me was his infidelity. I know that's just what addicts do, but it's also a big part of why I still go to counseling. He destroyed my trust, and trust is really hard for me.

I've been in a relationship with a man for a few months now. The man I am dating now man felt like a safe, trustworthy person who I could be myself with. I have let my guard down with him more than I have with anyone since I started dating again. I know that on the surface, on most days, I feel confident that I can trust the new BF, but deep down, I am so scared of being hurt again. This is probably the first time in my life I have actually done due diligence in a relationship. I keep reminding myself that this is why we date - why we don't all just move in together after that first dinner or movie. This is the discovery phase. Last week, we had a really tough conversation -- I was very emotional and very scared, talking about how I wasn't sure if I would be able to trust anyone ever again. Later, I told my therapist that I was more upset about how emotional I had become than anything else in that evening. He told me that getting over all the hurt and fear from a completely unstable marriage and messy divorce from my ex-AH will take as long as it takes. He told me I am pushing down a lot of this fear and that I need to stop doing that. And, obviously, that I should not beat myself up for being where I am. It just pisses me off and scares me to bits when I let my guard down or have more than one cocktail with dinner.

I'll be damned if that shrink wasn't right. Now that I know about it, I am feeling that fear bubbling up more and more -- mostly at night.Like now (ahem). You know that Serenity Prayer is being said like a mantra over here, but still, it's been a low-level buzz in the back of my head now for days. So this week, much to the BF's disappointment, I didn't try to shoehorn in a weekday date when the schedule didn't flow easily this week. I think I needed time to think, I needed some distance to sort through this. And maybe time to realize what I'm feeling. I'm feeling really, really scared. I don't know if my gut is telling me not to trust him, or if I am just bumping into the big kahuna of my fears. Being alone can be lonely, and it's been a lonely week, but it took all five days for me to finally write this down. I can be such an eedjit.

Think I'll ever get over this gnarly fear thing?

TYFLMS.

[Cheryl]

You wrote,

I think I needed time to think, I needed some distance to sort through this. And maybe time to realize what I'm feeling.

In my opinion, I think this is a great gift to give to yourself. For me, part of recovery .... a really big part actually .... has been to take care of myself first, to think about the choices I make. When living with active addiction and all of its craziness, I took a hit .... I learned fear and distrust .... and it took time to let go and trust again .... maybe though, it's more a matter of learning to trust myself again ...

I know we're not here to give advice ..... but do something really special for you tonight .... like a bubble bath .... something soothing.

HUGS,
Cheryl

[carpediem]

It's odd. In recent times, I've felt more clear about my own emotional states than ever before, thanks to the program and lots of self-examination. I don't know what to do with a deeply unsettled state like the one I'm in now. I feel a strange tit-for-tat thing going on with him. Because I stuck to my schedule and didn't cram in an overnight with him this week, I got more sleep, and I got more done, but I also feel like he's checked out a bit, so I feel somewhat insecure. I notice that he drifts in and out of engagement with me, and I sense that the disengagement comes when he's feeling rejected. I don't think he is trying to be manipulative, but it definitely reminds me of living with an addict.

This hearkens back to time with my ex-AH, who used affection and attention like a weapon, flipped the "on-off" switch at will and kept me completely off balance. Now, my BF and I live at a distance from one another, so it's not as if we can get together on the fly for a quick dinner or a walk in the park. It's always a whole day and evening, or a weekend. And he just seems to take it for granted that I will be available during my free time, which is limited. I have been pushing back hard lately, saying no to midweek, no to Friday night. Wanting to do other things (jeez, can I get some color on these roots please? I'd like to hang around in my yoga pants and clean my house on Saturday morning, is that so wrong?). I'd like to go to a meeting for Pete's sake. But of course, the underlying fear is that if I say no too many times, he'll lose interest and drift or stray, just like my ex-AH did. Triggerfest -- the "I'm not enough" trigger hits hard. I hate the way I feel. And I want to trust, but it's really hard.

So he's uncomfortable, perhaps, with the situations that arise from dating someone who lives an hour away, and the realities of dating a single parent. Those were his choices, and I have been abundantly clear about my own priorities. I guess people who aren't addicts behave like them sometimes, too. And these triggers really upset me. I have to remember what my sponsor says about it being a privilege to be in my life. I have to remember not to project or mind-read. And, if he's not having the best time because the circumstances don't suit him, those are his emotions. It's up to him to sort it out. NOT ME.

I'm feeling a bit more clear now. Thanks for listening.

[Jim78]

Carpediem,

I know that early in a relationship we want to spend every moment we can with the person we are attracted to, but in the long run it can smother the person we want to be with. In my opinion, if your new BF is interested in a relationship with you, he will understand that you need your own space. Taking your time to be comfortable with you can be the most important thing you can do for yourself. I got a divorce in September after 24-years of marriage and have told myself I won't date for at least 1-year. I need to find myself as an individual, instead of being a couple. It can be lonely at times, but I have friends and this site when I am feeling too lonely.

JIm

[carpediem]

Thanks Jim,
The break is a good idea. I took one after my marriage broke up -- now I wish it had been a bit longer, but I did get pretty lonesome and caved before a year. It was quite possibly the best gift I have given myself in a long, long time. I think you're smart to make that your own policy, and it's what the program recommends too. I had a long talk with the Bf just now. I go back and forth between feeling happy, feeling smothered, and hating the distance and what that means to a relationship like ours. Ambivalent much? I know if he lived nearby we would be going through exactly what you describe - being together every moment simply would not work for me. I just don't have the hours in the day! And I don't want to go slamming into some rush-rush relationship. I want this to mature over time. I am surprised to discover that eventually, I may want more than this and I didn't think I had it in me to do it. I just want to make sure it's right, so I want to take my time.

I think he understands -- the distance complicates things tremendously. I like having my space, but it would be nice if our relationship didn't have to be so orchestrated. Like having a date be just a date and not a weekend or an overnight would be great. Trying not to project and be a mind-reader is so challenging for me. Having the freedom to be spontaneous would be nice. But I signed up for this, right along with the distance. I definitely feel like I have my relationship training wheels on. I am so busy in my personal and work life that I rarely feel I have much time to think about what i"m doing, let alone figure out the finer points of this stuff.

Well, I have to hand off the state of the future to my HP and let him handle it. I have laundry to do, a do to walk and a boyfriend to see tonight....

Thanks guys. I really appreciate the feedback SO MUCH.

[dawspen]

I was married to My AH a long time. They totally mess up our heads don't they ?
Long story but I had over s year on My own and then met an old freind by chance and We fell for each other pretty quick. He moved to be near me and it was.all going great.

Then I was ill, needed surgery, was in hospital a month and he moved in to look after my pets and two teenagers. He's been here ever since.

For the first time on My life I have.a loving relationship.
I too though have many issues. There is fear and guilt and many innocent things he does set off My triggers.
Lucky for us he works four days on,then four off. I have time to myself then.
We didn't get this way overnight and It's going to take time to get well.
Sometimes I get sad and upset when I think about the past. How can he possibly understand what life was like with an addict ?
Hang on in there. We are works in progress for sure x

[carpediem]

I too though have many issues. There is fear and guilt and many innocent things he does set off My triggers.

Thanks, Dawspen. I am amazed and humbled by the way my BF accepts this about me with no judgment, so much calm. As you said, innocent things he does do set me off, and as I always say, I feel as if I have a wee touch of post-traumatic stress disorder. I can go from zero to 70 in 30 seconds. From calm, happy and rational to scared to death, instantly.

And the funny thing is, I keep expecting him to react to me the way my ex-AH did when I questioned him or challenged something that he said -- by freaking out, getting angry, turning things around, slinging blame. It's amazing to be with someone who doesn't do any of that. He never even gets defensive. I honestly don't know what to do with that! But I'll take it.

So, another facet of my recovery is opening up for me to have a good look at it. We are works in progress, absolutely.

[cyndyava]

I give you so much credit for even getting back out there and dating. I am learning a lot from you. Thank you for sharing with us.

I have learned a lot about me now that I am in recovery and I'm continuing to learn things that suprise me. Lately, I've been thinking that the only kind of relationship I may be capable of at this point is a long distance type of thing. I'm just not ready to jump back in. Dating in the past...and relationships with men in general meant (to me) that the scales were tipped waaaay in their favor, with me scooping all of my gummy bears onto their side! Dating meant I went at the man's pace...not at my own. After all, I thought that was what I was supposed to do!

I know now, I am not going to ever be comfortable again. And basically, what I've decided is that I have been fairly damaged from my father and my last relationship...the one with my daughter's father....and that any one who gets involved with me will pretty much have to be the most patient man in the world. I plan on taking things sloooooly if I ever go back out there again. And I am going to take as long as I NEED to decided if someone is worthy of my trust. Frankly speaking, I see that taking me a lot longer than a couple of months. I feel that eventually, I will have the information I need to trust and comfortable...or I won't. And if it's meant to be, than it will be.

I have given over my dating life to my HP since working on recovery. I made all of the wrong choiced previously, so I'm trusting HP's got this for me next time around. And when I get stressed out or overly concerned about it, I give it back to HP all over again.

HUGS, Cyndy

[carpediem]

I made all of the wrong choices previously, so I'm trusting HP's got this for me next time around. And when I get stressed out or overly concerned about it, I give it back to HP all over again.

Cyndy, you totally hit the nail on the head on this one. I don't know if any of you remember the story about the sticky notes my sponsor made me write. These were reminders of stuff that I just wasn't getting, slogans that I really needed to drill into my dopey little codependent brain: "Patience, not projecting." "Know your worth." "Let it unfold." These post-its have been stuck inside the cabinet where I store my coffee so that I have to see them once a day, come hell or high water. When one gets decrepit, I write it afresh and repost it.

My HP likes to send commercial messages when I am being particularly obtuse. He does this by dropping one of the post-its off the door of the cabinet. For a long time, it was "Know your worth." No amount of tape would keep it on the door. I finally got the message.

Lately, the falling post-it has been "Let it unfold." Over and over in these last few weeks, and every time, I think, "OK, where do you want me to let things unfold?" So, as I was lying there, projecting like mad and not sleeping the night I first posted about this, I thought, "hey, HP, I don't know what to do about this, so I'm just handing it off to you for the night." In the morning, I stopped my projecting-fest, got my act together enough to talk to my BF about it in a productive way.

I know now, I am not going to ever be comfortable again. And basically, what I've decided is that I have been fairly damaged from my father and my last relationship...the one with my daughter's father....and that any one who gets involved with me will pretty much have to be the most patient man in the world.

As for this passage, you might be right about not being comfortable again, but then again, you might not. Like you, my alcoholic dad and my ex-AH did a number on me, but recovery freakin' rocks. When I think of myself as being damaged, I diminish all of the worth that my HP wants me to acknowledge. None of us is perfect. You are VERY VERY smart for being patient with yourself. I didn't have the added burden of having to deal with my ex-AH as you have, and I know he's a real handful. You'll know when you feel ready to stick a toe into the dating pool. But one gift of the program for me has been a keener self-awareness than I ever had before, and another is the value that I now acknowledge in myself. I get to keep a bunch of gummy bears these days!

Classic example: We'd been out running around all day today, and my BF helped me with a new bedframe we picked up. It was Ikea, it was Elizabeth NJ and it was bedlam, so I got him a gift as a thank you. It feels really good and natural to demonstrate gratitude in the right proportion, not going overboard. Tonight, I made dinner for my family and my BF. Dinner was yummy - and afterward, I put the leftovers into my groovy bento box for lunch the next day. As I was putting my lunch back in the fridge tonight, I thought that in the past, I would have wrapped up that lunch for him to take home. I was always trying so hard to be the best little person in the world to everyone but me. But now, I don't have to put myself last. I get to be first, too. It feels really good to be good to me. I never knew how to do that before, and I'm so grateful that I do now. I seem to have found a pretty patient guy. I'm growing into setting boundaries that are comfortable to me, and the growing is painful sometimes. I am certainly not winning any awards for gracefulness. But that's ok, I don't have to be perfect. We're both getting stronger every day.

[Lyra]

Carpediem, the part you said about the bento box just made me smile and feel happy inside. Those are exactly the things we need to do for ourselves! Go YOU! Its nice to do nice things for ourselves.