Today's Thought: Being Good to Ourself

[jjabc]

I get several daily inspirations on email every morning. I got one this morning about important life lessons, and one of them was:
Treat yourself the way you want to be treated.
This was eye opening to me. I know you guys have been telling me to do good things for myself for over a year, but yada yada yada, in one ear and out the other. But it just clicked for me today. I guess I was finally ready to learn that lesson.
I get so mad when other people use me, take me for granted or do something to me that I hate and find hurtful, but yet I don't treat myself well.
Why is it that I accept putting myself last, but resent my ALO when she is self centered and puts me last? Interesting stuff huh?
Am I the only one who does this? Why do we accept this behavior from ourselves? Why don’t we get mad at ourselves for this if we are angry when others do it?
I think I have turned another leaf over in my recovery. I need to chew on this awhile.
Jay

[Cheryl]

Dear Jay,

As long as you are chewing on something .... when I was kid growing up in the south in a family of very modest means, my mother would make fried cutlets with gravy ..... it was my favorite, right next to black eyed peas! By the time I was a teenager, I realized that my mother always served herself last or she always took the smallest piece of meat. Sometimes, I wonder if she ever resented us ... did she ever feel short-changed from all of her sacrifices. I promised myself that I would never "take the smallest piece of meat" ..... but I did, every time I let myself be pulled into the craziness of my son's addiction.

Treat yourself the way you want to be treated.

That's a good page to be on.

Cheryl

[Nightingayle811]

Dear Jay,
You are definintely NOT the only one! I really needed to hear this today, apparently ALOT because its been a recurring theme in my conversations and readings....and in my life in general. Been putting everyone else's needs ahead of my own and teaching the people in my life that THEY are more important than ME my whole life, so that is how they treat me. I've been really struggling with a new relationship, one where I'm trying to make healthier decisions and demand better for myself and yet once again I find myself being disappointed and giving him the benefit of the doubt time and time again, worrying if I will make him feel bad or hurt his feelings or if I'm asking too much, and having to make allowances for someone who when it gets right down to it, is taking me for granted and not putting forth a reasonable effort to show me that I am important to him. I know the guy has alot on his plate, but so do I. Whether he has good reasons or not, it's just not acceptable....I mean really what is the point of being in a relationship with someone at all if its only going to make you feel constantly disappointed and worse than if you're alone? At least by myself I know exactly what to expect! I am doing pretty good about at least expressing my needs and my feelings, and I've told him several times, that I can't allow myself to always be last on his list of priorities, but it just isn't getting through. He gives me alot of nice words...tells me how much he misses me, but what good are words if not followed up by his actions? Guess I need to follow up my words with some crystal clear explanations of how I expect to be treated and let him know that if he can't or won't make the effort to meet those expectations, I will find someone who will. Thanks for the post! Really needed that little kick in the pants!
Gayle

[carpediem]

Jay,
Lots of us do this "put myself last" business. This is classic codie behavior. My sponsor and all of you remind me when I let my self-care fall into last place that it's important for me to recharge my batteries, do things for myself that are nice, etc. I learned the concept of "dating myself" from the forum after my ex and I split up. I'm not entirely out of the woods yet, but I do make time just for me, build in little treats for myself, and cherish my alone time.

I find that as I have entered a new relationship, I still struggle with balancing the needs of others against the needs of my own. My "be a good girl, give-it-all" impulse is pretty strong. I know that when I was dating my ex-AH, I would run around like mad to take care of all of the details of my life until late at night or early in the morning so I could go out and act like a carefree, together and happy person, but I was exhausted from keeping up the act. My house was spotless when he came over -- I always looked as well as I could and was dressed to the nines. But now, I know I need to be authentic - and I need to et my needs met, too. As much as I enjoy spending time with my boyfriend, I have to tend to the details of my life, and when I don't, I feel frayed and upset. This week, I just had too much to do, and wanted to spend time focusing on what I needed to do. My boyfriend likes to spend a lot of time together but I really need alone time, to take care of business or just to be unscheduled for a change.

I know it may disappoint him that I am not always as available as he might like, but I'm not responsible for his expectations. I have been clear about my priorities from the get-go. I'm responsible for me, and I don't expect him to be a mind reader. In the past, I have been timid about saying what I need and then resented it when others don't know how to treat me. That's total b.s. and it puts me in the position of being the child in the relationship, waiting for a caretaker to fix my life just so.

And I know that if I burn the candle at both ends and leave nothing for myself I will be angry, resentful and that's not where I want to be. So, we took the week off from one another, and I took Friday off, too. As a single mom with a lot of responsibilities, I really, really needed this time. By learning to tune into my own needs and make them at least as important as those of my loved ones, I am in better shape to give what I can to those in my life. And now, instead of resenting him, I miss him and look forward to seeing him. On Saturday.

Good stuff, people. Glad to be reading about this. It's a good reminder.

[judyg]

I've over-committed the past few weeks and boy do I feel it. Not enough time by myself for processing and relaxation. Not enough time for being with friends who want nothing from me other than my company. I sit and think of all the things I "should" do or "need" to do, and many of them are not for me. My mother's tax papers must be prepared. My son is getting out of rehab next week and I must go clean his house. The bills to pay and work to do. I have volunteered for too many church functions.

So, thanks for this reminder. Just for today I will schedule some time for myself, to do something that is only for me. Something that brings me serenity. No matter what.

XXOO

Judy

[nodbates]

What a great quote... and I'm so guilty of this... and now that I think about it, there have been many times I got upset with my husband for what was actually me treating myself poorly. Like, I always get down on myself about my cooking... so often I burn things or under cook... I think I'm just too damn Add for anything that doesn't come in a box with 3 steps or less. About a week ago We ended up in a HUGE fight because he said I started the spinach too soon and I using the wrong pot for the pasta... I got my feelings all frazzled because he was "picking on my cooking skills" but I do it ALL THE TIME. I walked off and wouldn't talk. He flew off the handle. Ugh. But when I put my rational brain in, he wasn't trying to be mean. He was trying to help. He's a very good cook. And.youre right, I shouldn't hold him to higher expectations than I expect from myself... or better, I should have my expectations just as high.

[callieco]

Jay I love your posts I grew up watching my mother make so many sacrifices and also not doing anything nice for herself and it wasnt just doing something "nice for herself"....professionally she was a nurse and she took care of everyone but herself...she let her health detioriate...until she got a wake up call ...as I look back it was like HP telling her you have no other option now but to focus on you and to take care of yourself and quit taking care of everyone else. I have to remind myself of her story and remind myself how important it is to take care of myself too. If I dont I am no good to anyone else. Hope you are finding time to be good to yourself today.
(((((Hugs))))))

[Lyra]

I love this thread. It has been a long journey for me to treat myself as I treat others. My father was a perfectionist so I heard a lot about my failures and little about my successes from him. I have always striven to avoid being a perfectionist too as it seemed a miserable way to live-not always completely succesfully however. The work ethic combined with that perfectionism which still dogs me at times has made it hard for me to take time off, take care of myself and not beat myself up when I fail. I am still learning. I made some serious life mistakes over the past several years and lost a relationship to divorce. It has been hard to be nice to myself about this huge "failure" but I try to ask myself, what would a good friend say? A good friend would point out the positives a good friend would remind you how much you have tried to make things work a good friend would point out that making things work takes effort from all involved parties-you cant do it alone. A good friend would remind you that while it hurts it is ok to fail and make mistakes and that I am learning from them and getting a silver lining out of that particularly large cloud. So whenever I beat myself up I try to stop and remind myself-what would you say to a good friend? What would you say to ----? And be a big more forgiving and loving to myself. Because we all need that.

If anything the extremes of dealing with a relapse and the ongoing early recovery of my abf made it crystal clear how important self care is for my sanity and peace of mind. Taking time to remind myself of what I have accomplished each day, and that I do not have to be super-woman to do a good dissertation and collect useful data in my fieldwork. To remember that it IS ok to take a morning, afternoon or day off and just relax. That it is not only ok, its important that I make time for workouts for both physical and mental health. Today I went to my zumba class, leaving my bf to handle the remainder of prepping for a tour (after all he's perfectly capable of doing it all by himself), had a nice breakfast and am enjoying time on my veranda alone. I do have things I want to accomplish today research-wise but I am not rushing. Its a beautiful day and I know I'll get something done before its over. As it is right now I am doing something very important: taking down time for myself, by myself.