Bad month - ESH please

[Laura]

I haven't been here for awhile. Dealing with alot. First off, my AH has been diagnosed with Hep C. (he said he got it from sitting on a dirty needle)...cause he is NOT an IV drug user. A few weeks after that....he admitted to using needles. So, now I am waiting for my Hep C and HIV bloodwork to come back. I didn't realize how easy it is for him to lie to my face (and for me to still take him at face value).

He is currently on a binge....not sure when he will come home. Not sure if he is even alive right now...but I hope beyond hope that he is.

I am not doing well...I looked at myself in the mirror and I have lost sooo much weight, I look ill. I have not been able to eat or drink due to the stress over the past few weeks, but especially since Wed when he finally came clean with the needle usage. I didn't go to work today and I am sleeping all the time. I am pulling away from everyone.

I have made the decision that once he comes home, I am going to tell him that I need space...he needs to stay somewhere else for awhile, while I get myself together physically and emotionally. I just hope I have the strength to do it when he shows up.

I feel so alone and not strong at all. Thanks for listening.

[Believer]

You are no longer alone. You will find others here who really get it and understand. We all are here as we love at least one addict. I know how hard this can be to deal with we all do. I have found great comfort, support encouragement wisdom and hope here. Combined with my f2f, sponsor, step work and literature reading. I really have benefited greatly and I am no longer alone.


Peace Marie

[kathyf]

Hi Laura,

Soooo glad you came back. Sometimes I am amazed at what I have put myself through while dealing with the addiction of others. When I came here I was certain I no longer loved the addict in my life and wanted little to nothing to do with him. I felt so alone with my feelings because the addict in my life is my son. I thought for sure there was something wrong with me...what mother in their right mind no longer loves their child? I found out there WAS something definitely wrong with me. I was so focused on the drama of it all, and there was plenty, that I was unable to take care of myself. I was so glad that I wasn't ostracized for saying I didn't think I loved my son anymore; instead I was welcomed with words and encouragement to keep coming back.

So I have...and it's getting better. I still have a long ways to go but I'm told it takes as long as it takes. Meetings, reading, a sponsor and connecting with others has helped me no longer feel so alone. And I know I will never be alone again. You either!!!!

Love,
Kathy

[Gerilyn]

Dear Laura, I do know that feeling of sadness. When my daughter was spiraling out of control I felt so helpless and my heart was so broken. I lost weight, I hardly ate, I didn't want to be with anyone either. Slowly, though, I started to reclaim my life. That was what this site did for me. It wasn't easy, though, but I worked hard. I cried often. Every single day when I left work I barely made it to my car before the floodgates would open up. I cried the whole way home (40 minute drive). Eventually, I cried less. I made an effort to get on with my life even though I ached for my child. I had to keep saying that serenity prayer over and over. I had to envision my HP with His arms around me and her HP with His arms around her. I used the tools I was learning to help me. I will keep you in my prayers as you go through this difficult time. You are not alone. You have us.
Love aned (((hugs)))
Gerilyn

[sarah]

Laura...One thing for sure is that you are not alone!..I also have an AH...It is not easy...but here you can let out what is bothering you...noone judges and we all care or else we wouldn't be here...please keep coming back...many many hugs!! Love, Sarah

[Cheryl]

Dear Laura,

I too am glad that you came back. Dealing with addiction is never easy - it steals the soul of the addict and sucks the life out of us. The only way that I could get better was to put some distance between myself and my son, which I was able to do while he was in treatment for almost 6 months. I actually went on two vacations, and had a good time on both without dwelling on him. And it helped knowing that my son was in a safe place.

As long as you keep coming, you are never alone. Do you have f2f meetings you can attend, if not through Nar-Anon then through Ala-non? There is a lot comfort in the meetings.

Hugs!
Cheryl

[Gk61]

Dear Laura,
Welcome, you are definitely not alone now that you found this forum. Although my AD hasn't started her recovery, I have started mine; but I remember not to long ago, in fact this past summer feeling the same as you ... looking in the mirror and seeing my pain, not being able to eat or sleep very well, etc. I ended up seeing my doctor who prescribed something to help get me through this initial period of shock and pain. I also started Al-Anon meetings, and then found this forum in November which has provided so much strength, experience, and hope to me and has helped get me on my path to recovery. Keep coming back, the members on this site are so amazing and supportive.

[evergrowing]

I am sorry you are going through all of this. I too was in a place of despair when I came here. I felt like I was a shell of the person I once was. Addiction robbed me of my spirit too. But I couldn't let it win. I needed to reclaim my life.

In the beginning I was barely getting out of bed each day and I was sick and tired. All I could bring myself to do was write a list of things that made me feel better, relieved my stress, brought a smile to my face, comforted me. I then picked one thing off of that list every day. It seemed pointless at first but someone I was close to who overcame depression told me to do it. I could see that it helped her.

For some reason, making a small effort each day to do something nice for myself helped me begin to dig myself out of the hole I was in. I began to realize how precious my life was and how much I wanted to find ways to enjoy each day -- even if there was a lot of chaos in my life. How could I access peace? Serenity? Joy?

You are so not alone. We are with you. We have all felt the pain of loving an addict. There is so much experience, strength and hope here. Remember that it works if you work it --- YOU ARE WORTH IT.

Sending you the biggest cyber hugs I can send.... ((((BIG HUG)))))

[dmom]

((((hug))))
You are not alone now. All of us here love an addict.
so sorry for what you are going through.
My heart is still feeling broken in tiny pieces from the sadness of realizing my son is an addict.
It is not what I "expected" for him. I so badly have wanted to just "fix" it for him.
coming here has helped me to realize that I am not alone.... I now have hope. I now know I can work on "fixing" me but that is all I have power over.
At the moment my son is working on himself, Just for Today.
I struggle to stay out of his way and let him figure this out for himself.
Loving someone that is struggling is soooo hard.
I keep coming back here and it it gives me a calmness and has been what I hold on to when I think I am all alone.


love
dmom

[Lyra]

I can understand the stress and fear of this situation and difficulty of making the decision to put your foot down. But you are setting boundaries to take care of yourself and that takes courage. And you are here, talking with us. You are not alone as you make your way through this difficult time. And you are taking care of yourself. There is light and hope there already. I hope you will come to an online meeting. It has helped me even in the short time I have been on here.

Hugs and sending support your way,

Lyra

[Laura]

Thank you to everyone who posted to my topic. I needed the support and you gave it to me. I am grateful. He did come home alive, which was great. We will be talking more this weekend about space, when he has recovered from the relapse and I have had some sleep.

In the beginning I was barely getting out of bed each day and I was sick and tired. All I could bring myself to do was write a list of things that made me feel better, relieved my stress, brought a smile to my face, comforted me. I then picked one thing off of that list every day. It seemed pointless at first but someone I was close to who overcame depression told me to do it. I could see that it helped her.

For some reason, making a small effort each day to do something nice for myself helped me begin to dig myself out of the hole I was in. I began to realize how precious my life was and how much I wanted to find ways to enjoy each day -- even if there was a lot of chaos in my life.

I love this suggestion. I will start that tonight. Thank you!

As long as you keep coming, you are never alone. Do you have f2f meetings you can attend, if not through Nar-Anon then through Ala-non?

I have found a f2f alanon meeting on Thursdays which has been very helpful. And I do a family support meeting every Monday via the treatment centre my husband was in. I purchased the Alanon "Courage to change" and Pathways to Recovery. I guess the next step is to open them up

Eventually, I cried less. I made an effort to get on with my life even though I ached for my child. I had to keep saying that serenity prayer over and over. I had to envision my HP with His arms around me and her HP with His arms around her.

I am still surpised how much I have been crying..only because I am not somone who tears up alot. I feel things deeply, but crying has not always been easy for me. But I seem to need to do it and I am ok with that. I finally let my AH see me cry for the first time last week. He didn't know what to do with it. Not my problem.

Rereading my post and others reaffirmed this is definately a place I need to get back to coming to on a regular basis, as I had been before. I guess I "relapsed" as well, in my own way.

Tomorrow will be better. I will continue to get stronger.