The Next Chapter

[Melanie40]

Been on the loney drive too. So many thoughts, emotions & a list of things to do & decisions I am left to make.

One Day at a Time, First Things First & Keep it Simple helped when I am overwhelmed.

Years of addiction left me hopeless & negative about all my affairs.

The time apart felt more like a consequence to me. But I choose to work a program.

And I soon found that the time apart was a gift from a HP.

To find hope, faith, trust, love & forgiveness in myself, a HP & with my AH.

Melanie

[cherylvc]

Just an update, my AH has been in treatment for a week now and is starting to sound a little better on the phone. It is hard to think of what is going to happen next and I am concentrating on my life without him at the moment. I am thinking everyday of how to connect with my children and acting on that and have had some great times with them lately. I managed to get through some tough money decisions that are not over by any means but I am working hard at 3 jobs to help get where I want to be financially. Doors are opening for me and I am finding I can do things on my own again just fine. I saw on the news tonight what stress does to your brain and how meditation can actually help rebuild what stress has destroyed in your brain, so I am going to keep trying to meditate, lol, there is that "trying" word that I dislike, but meditation takes practice!!
AH keeps wanting me to tell him I will be here for him when he gets out. I am not sure how I feel about that. He wants to hear that I love him and that I miss him and that I can do. As I have said many times before, I have missed him for a long time. He was not using drugs when I met him, well, he had a broken ankle and was taking some pain medication for awhile, but there was not a problem I could see. I honestly felt like the luckiest woman in the world, he was a great father to my children and a wonderful friend and I thanked God that he came into my life. It is really hard to even remember those feelings now, but I do miss him.. He mentioned tonight that he could stay an extra 30 days and that he knew I would think that that was a good idea. Heck, yeah, I was relieved to hear it, which makes me think even harder about what I really want. So I am struggling to find the answers, part of me wishes he would never come back and part of me longs for a new life with him. So I am moving in my life with the things that I know for sure and waiting and listening for signs of what I should do in the future. Working 7 days a week, but I have plans with family and friends this weekend so I am looking forward to some fun. Still having trouble getting to sleep so I am up late here.

[marieh32]

Hello,
I am having a hard time holding back my tears as I read through your posts. I have never been able to tell my husband to leave. I think in my mind I know that is what will happen eventually, but I am scared. I have been struggling to keep his addiction a secret form our children. My oldest knows something is going on, but she doesn't know what it is. I play the major role of parenting to my children, I teach them what I want them to learn. That drugs are bad and you never do them. My husband was raised in a home with both of his parents are addicts and I think in his mind it is ok to be an addict. You have done a great job standing up for yourself and my prayers are with you. I thank you, for replying to my post. Maybe reading yours will give me the courage I need. I am not sure about anything right now except that this has got to stop. I have been battling his addiction with him for a year, I have made many accomplishments to better myself in the process. I started back to school, I have budgeted my money better, knowing not to expect much from him for the bills, and I have committed myself to spending a lot of time at church. The one place I feel comfort and protection. I look forward to reading your posts, stay strong.

[cherylvc]

Marieh,
You can do this! I know that I wished I would have thrown out my husband years ago, I know now that I wasted a lot of time waiting for him to get it. I compromised when I shouldn't have. I let him cross boundaries that should not be crossed, and every time things eventually got worse. It did not do him any favors. I wish I would have been stronger and less selfish in the beginning, a lot of the reason I let him stay was money, but now I know that it is not worth it. I reread the posts last night and cried too, but after I felt better. It is not the hopeless cry of the past, it is a sad cry of feeling the sadness, dealing with it and moving on. I remember a ton of people telling me that I am such a strong woman when inside I was screaming "NO, I am not!" and knew that I was going to breakdown at any moment, but I did get through it and still am getting through it. I am strong and so are you, we CAN get through this. I am praying for you.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

[cherylvc]

Another update, my AH has been in inpatient treatment for over 40 days now. This Sunday I went to visit him and I am seeing great progress this time around. We met with his counselor and he seems to be right on track struggling and working on the journey of recovery. He is over 3 hours away so I have not seen him much lately (only twice) and have been concentrating on my life which is also a struggle, but I am doing well. I am seeing amazing results from the reduction of stress in my life. I can think so much clearer and I am making a lot of progress too. I believe there is hope for a life with my husband and I am very cautiously optimistic, VERY CAUTIOUSLY. There is a lot of doubt and lack of trust and I am still deciding if he will be coming home and when, but there is some hope. Hope that at least he will live, and I will live with or without him. Now if only the economy would pick up so I could sell some real estate!! My prayers are with all of you that are still in the worst of it, I guess that my message tonight is that there is hope.