can't go on without her...

[apersonlost]

I joined this site hoping to meet someone who is or has gone through what i'm going through..I lost my sister on may 15,2008 to an accidental heroin overdose on her son's 7th birthday..She was my best friend and she was nly 35yrs old and my big sister..I've see many mental health specialist to try and figure out how to cope with this loss, one on one sessions and medication..i'm sorry but it doesn't help..the pain is still there but a part of me died with her that day..i have alot of anger because my mother was an alcoholic and then addicted to crack for 26years yes she is now clean and sober but i can't forgive her..My sister lived with my mother and smoked crack with her the night she passed away, she sat there and watched my sister shoot up and then pass out on the couch and listened to my sister gasp for air but still did nothing because she wanted to continue to smoke the rest of the crack before my sister woke back up..don't get me wrong i'm proud of my mom for getting clean but i am extremely angry at her, once when she was drunk she said she had to tell me something about what happened the night my sister died but then quickly changed the subject..idk it's like yeah ur sober and clean but what about things that she did and said while she was doing the stuff, shipping us off to live with this person and that person..spending all the money our father left for my sisters and i when he passed away...please i could go on and on..some one tell me i'm not crazy to feel such anger and empty insid eall the time..my husband doesn't understand, i am a nurse and i used to love to work loved being a nurse but haven't worked in 3 and half years...i'm just a person lost...

[linda.f]

I am so sorry for your loss.

This site offers great support to those who have lost a loved
one to addiction. It also helps those of us who are grieving
the loss of what could have been had addiction not entered
our lives.

As you know grieving is a process. I hope you can get the
support you need to move forward and celebrate your sisters life
as well as take back yours.

We are here for you.

[JanetsHope]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your sister and that your heart continues to
hurt so very badly. There are no words. Addiction is a horrible disease
and the heartache can be unbearable sometimes.

You have come to a very special place here. While our stories are all
different, we share so many of the same emotions you may be dealing
with and we understand like few others can.

I grew up in a home with alcoholism and addiction and I spent many years
being so sad and angry at my mom. It wasn't until my daughter was diagnosed
with bipolar disorder and addiction (10 years ago), and then suffering with
anger and heartache for a good eight years . . . and feeling like I couldn't
go on . . . that I somehow made my way here. Being here, I have learned how
to feel, express and begin to understand my feelings. We help each other by
sharing our experiences, strength and hope. I am learning to live the best life
I can, regardless of how the other people in my life had lived or continue
to live their lives, especially as it relates to addiction.

For me, sharing my innermost feelings with others who understand and don't
judge me has been so much more than I ever could have imagined when I wrote
my introductory message.

I hope you will keep coming back. And, I hope you will keep reading and sharing.
Now that you've found us, you never have to feel alone again.

Big hugs to you,

Janet

[apersonlost]

janet thank you so very much for your kind words..it really does mean alot to me..i try so hard to go on and live my life,it's just so frustrating it's like i just want this miracle cure to stop the hurt and anger i feel..even now typing this too you and thinking of my sister it just takes my breath away..it's almost like an obsession, grieving for her< i want there to be a minute in the day where i can just feel calm and at peace..I want to be that happy person i used to be, i have 3 children, 2 boys ages 16 and 20 and my husband adopted my younger sisters daughter, we had her since she was 13months old and i want to be a better mother, by that i mean a happy mother, not the always sad tearful mother they see now..when will this nightmare i've been in since well as long as i can remember( growing up around drugs and alcohol) to end i want to wake up now..i find myself getting upset and angry at my husband for wondering when will she stop all this and move on with her life, cuz i know and feel that is what he is thinking..

[Cheryl]

I am so sorry for the loss of your sister, there is no answer as to why this happens. You are not crazy to feel the anger or emptiness inside of you. I felt it too when my son was in active addiction, and I know that it must so much worse for you having lost your sister to this disease. What you feel is real, it's the trauma of loss. Have you considered or maybe you've already done it .... but maybe a support group for dealing with loss and grief? The one thing I find true about support groups is that everyone in there understands what I feel.

Hugs,
Cheryl

[kathyf]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your sister. That must be very hard; I know of the love between sisters because I have two of them and we call ourselves the "Ya-Ya's" from the movie.

We call ourselves the YaYa's because we were raised in dysfunction just like the YaYa's in the movie. Having grown up in an alcoholic home impacted all of us. I was the rebel, my sister the perfectionist and my other sister is a recovering addict. My dad was the alcoholic and my mother was the martyr. I carried resentments for many years towards both of my parents for all their inadequacies. I became less resentful once I raised my own kids, though.

I hope you find comfort and less alone by coming here. I know I do.

Love,
Kathy

[JanetsHope]

I want to be that happy person i used to be, i have 3 children, 2 boys ages 16 and 20 and my husband adopted my younger sisters daughter, we had her since she was 13months old and i want to be a better mother, by that i mean a happy mother, not the always sad tearful mother they see now...

I understand completely what you are saying. I am learning how to detach with love from people in my life who cause me emotional pain. It is not easy. And, by coming here, I am learning how to take care of myself and tend to my own needs. In addition to grieving the loss of your sister, maybe that sadness is being compounded by sheer exhaustion in taking care of others. When I arrived here, all I did was cry. I just wanted to stay in bed all day. I had gotten to a place in my life where there just wasn't anything left for me.

I hope you will come to an on-line meeting and get to know some of us here.

You deserve to find and feel happiness again. I believe it is possible for all of us.

Love and hugs,

Janet