The Next Chapter

[cherylvc]

Six days ago I told my husband to leave. He is now in a sober living house. He says he will do whatever it takes to get back home. Part of me wants to believe him, and part of me is just tired of it all. He has been through rehab numerous times in the last 7 years. He is addicted to opiates. He started with pills then eventually heroin. That word is hard to even type. It makes me cringe. That I am married to a junky is hard to swallow. This wasn't supposed to happen to me. It is embarrassing, it is not something you go to work and tell your friends. My youngest daughter has moved out because "she is happier at grandmas". I am sure it is because of all the tension in the house. My other 2 children are older and just avoid him altogether. My family I feel is tired of hearing the story and I am tired of telling it, so I spent Thanksgiving with him "visiting his grandpa". The truth is his grandfather wouldn't let him stay there, nobody would. He has truly burnt all of his bridges. He slept in his truck for 2 days during a horrible storm. I am very proud of myself for sticking to my guns and not letting him come back. He has asked or begged everyday. He wants me to tell him he can come back if he does everything he is supposed to, but I just don't know if I can do it anymore. I don't trust him. He has cost me so much, financially, emotionally, with my kids. I don't care who you are, if you are married to an addict you cannot possibly be the best parent. It is so draining that there is not much left of you. If any of you are living with an addict and have kids, please know that it may never change and soon your kids will be grown and the day you are waiting for where everything is perfect may never come and then it will be too late. I wish I would have done things differently, but it is too late for me. I can't change the past only go on from here. So I sit here alone, my kids are gone, my husband is gone and I am ready to face the next chapter. *deep breath* I'm ready.

[Aggie]

I understand. My AH had hidden addiction for many years. He went to rehab in 1991 and again 2009. We divorced in 2010. My young adult children and my exAH all got engaged and married within a 10 month period. It has been a lot to process. Some days ( or minutes ) are better than others. I've reached out to others after many years of emotional isolation. It's not an easy transition but it does get better. Again, I just wanted you to know I understand.
Aggie

[cherylvc]

Thank you, Aggie. I just feel so alone tonight. I know it will pass, but it is still hard.

[mom2all]

I was in a similar relationship. I longed for my AH to just get better so we could live a normal life. It was just recently this last relapse that I realized that I have spent so much time trying to "fix' our life that I have forgotten who I am, and I have not been the mother that I should have been to my children because I was too consumed by other things. It's very hard to let go when you love someone so much, but you have to ask yourself if you love the person they used to be or you love the life you could have had. When you live with an addict what you want and what is actually reality seem to become distorted. Hang in there, you are not by yourself,we are all struggling but learn to make it thru each day and it will become easier. Read the book , codependent no more, it really helps you look at your currently relationship.

[DianeB]

My husband is not my qualifier. It is my son.

Something you said struck a chord.....

This wasn't supposed to happen to me.

It is embarrassing,

I know.

I thought the same thing. I wondered what I had done to deserve this.
How could I have possible raised a child to do this. I was guilty, shamed,
angry and resentful. I hid the truth from so many. My denial about the
extent of his addiction lasted far too long. I took a lot of time to learn
about the disease of addiction and my own disease of co dependency.

I began to focus on me. In doing so I began to understand myself and
what I wanted for my life. The thing I had to come to terms with was
just how much I wanted to allow addiction into my life. Hard as this is,
I still maintain distance from my son (who has been in recovery for some
time). His behaviors, even in recovery, can trigger my own disease and
I don't like that. I love him from a distance. That works for me.

You said you are alone....you are not. You are never alone again. We are
here and we truly understand. You may not be able to change the past, but
you can change your future. Keep coming back!

Hugs....

[kathyf]

I know what you mean about being tired of everything. I have qualifiers up the ying yang, actually, but I am here now because of my son. Following a divorce after 20 years, I became involved with an addict and spent several years with him before I realized he used coke. Honestly, I did not know people in their 50's used cocaine. What I related to in your post was my inability to be a good mom while in that relationship. I too have regrets and would like to request a do-over.

But I'm glad we are both here and participating on this board, trying to recover from the devastating effects of addiction.

Kathy

[evergrowing]

I too feel so embarrassed and ashamed. My husband also started with pills and graduated to heroin. It is hard for me to say out loud. I am so glad you found this forum. We all get it like no one else can. I don't know what I would do without this and my face to face meetings.

I was in the same boat and I told my AH that he needed to go to rehab or I was going to leave. He went. I took him back in after and he did well for a couple of months and then relapsed. I left him and moved in with my brother's family. I told my AH that I will move back in with him after I see a few months of sobriety with a strong program.

I knew that as long as I gave him a warm bed, hot meals and roof over his head, I was enabling him. He told me he never realized the extent to his problem until I left (and he got arrested around the same time). He never felt the consequences of his actions before that.

But I didn't leave to try to control his addiction, I left because I want a better life for myself. I left because I know that living with active addiction is toxic for me. I believe recovery is possible for addicts, I have many sober people in my life, but I know it is up to him.

Living with active addiction is so damaging and we need our own recovery. We need to heal ourselves and to learn how to live a better way. It is possible. I hope you keep coming back. You are in the right place.

[cherylvc]

So after about a week of him saying he would do anything and actually doing it, he had his assessment for treatment and wanted to come home before he left for inpatient. He wouldnt have to pay more in the sober living house and money is tight for us now with him not working and the many financial burdens he has created. So, I let him come home against my better judgement, but I thought it was for just a day or two. Then the assessment said he should do outpatient which went well for awhile and then he relapsed. Christmas day in the middle of our family party he announced he was going to a meeting and right away I knew what he was doing and I checked and sure enough he had taken money from my purse. He swore up and down that he didnt and why was I getting so mad when he was going to a meeting. He told me to calm down, blah blah blah and I told him if that was really the truth then just stay home. I told him if he left that was it I was done and he sat down for about 2 min. and then left for hours and when he came back I made him leave again so once again I am on day 2. What a nice Christmas, huh? I have promised myself however that this will be the last holiday he ruins. I cannot live my life like this anymore. I spent a great day working, cleaning up after Christmas and then taking my daughter and grandson to the movies. He did come by and he is living in his truck because he has nowhere to go. He cries and says he wants to change so badly, yet he repeats the same behavior. I was strong and sent him on his way, he wants me to give him hope and I only have hope enough for myself right now. It is a great relief when he is not around, but I am sure tomorrow he will be back because his employment check goes directly to my account. My paycheck has been garnished to pay for one of his treatment stays and so I am making him at least repay that money to me so I can survive. He is really good at getting clean for a few months and doing what he has to do to get back in my life. How long clean and sober is enough? Should I just give up on him altogether? I dont know, which is what I told him. Just do what he has to do and I will do what I have to do. I have been watching an Intervention marathon for hours now and can't sleep. Tomorrow will be better.

[Cheryl]

You wrote,

He is really good at getting clean for a few months and doing what he has to do to get back in my life. How long clean and sober is enough? Should I just give up on him altogether?

Addicts can often live several months in abstinance, it is the commitment to a life of sobriety that is difficult for them to maintain. Addiction is a relapse disease .... but with recovery, the periods that one is abstinant should get longer rather than end with the sound of an alarm clock at 90 days. You ask if you should give up on your husband .... what about you? You wrote, "I only have hope enough for myself right now." And that's okay, because you have to take care of you first. And it sounds like you are trying to do just that .... so keep doing it. You will find your answers, one day at a time.

Hugs,
Cheryl

PS I never watch those shows !!!!! Find an AA or NA Speaker meeting to attend if you can.

[cherylvc]

I am feeling okay today. I had a good day at work and stayed late just to help (ok and maybe avoiding going home to an empty house). I am not used to being alone at all. I have always had lots of family around and it is very hard for me to be alone. The thought of living the rest of my life alone scares me to no end. I am trying to get over it because it doesn't help my situation at all. I am trying to visualize my life the way that I want it and keep praying and hoping and moving on and focusing on good things. I have made plans for this weekend to go out of town for New Years with my sister, and my friend wants to have dinner tomorrow for my birthday so really I am lucky. That is not helping me sleep tonight though!! Geez, day one I went to bed at 4:30 am, day 2 was 2:30, maybe tonight I will shoot for midnight. Maybe a glass of wine would help? lol, I realize that could be a touchy subject.

[Cheryl]

I am glad that you are feeling okay today. It is good to stay focused with plans and be with others are supportive of you. And tomorrow, have a really nice glass or two of wine to toast your birthday. You deserve to have fun. Go for it!

Cheryl

[sharon]

I can see where living alone is scary. It's the Fear of the Unknown.

I've not done it in over 33 years myself. I know one day I will. It will not be COMFY and that's not a bad thing.

Comfy led me into a dark abyss with my son. The main point I learned here is that if I'm COMFY....I'm NOT working MY program.

And yes, it's perfectly A-OK in MY book to have a glass of wine so long as you're NOT an alcholic.

I drink on occasion...a glass or two and that's it.

So look at this as a new chapter...in YOUR life.

You get a choice to be happy....take it.

[kathyf]

I admit I watch Intervention at times. But, it's a reality show and they are making money off it. I can't help wonder what scenes they cut out. How can it go that perfectly every time? The family shares their letters and then they agree to treatment. Just like that. Oh really? My daughter edits videos and I suspect they are doing some serious editing, too.

I haven't ever been on my own, either. I was scared of being alone so I would find myself a husband. As I begin my first real recovery I am beginning to wonder what it would be like to be on my own. I married at 19. I'm now 56. Sometimes I dream of what it would be like to only be responsible for me. To have my own place, decorated the way I want, to only have to clean up my messes, only see my laundry in the laundry room...and if I want scrambled eggs for dinner, great! Throw in a couple eggs and eat 'em. Then only worry about putting my dishes in the dishwasher. I get to control the tv remote. Or listen to the music I want to listen to. I don't know what will ultimately happen in my life in regards to living alone. Currently, I don't.

But who knows what is in store on this journey of life?

Keep coming back and the answers will unfold.

Hugs,
Kathy

[cherylvc]

Yesterday was a good day, my birthday spent with friends and family. My ah came over and brought me a card and presents, asked if he could stay and then left.
Today was not so good. I woke up late. I hadn't slept all week and I suspect the great dinner and margaritas was just what I needed to get a good nights sleep. Anyway, I woke up late which never happens to me, but I didn't get stressed out about it and went to work and had a frustrating, but productive day and then about 10 pm ah shows up and wants to know if he can stay. He looked so terrible it broke my heart. He is dying fast now. I saw marks on his arms. I cried, no sobbed for a long time after he left. It is so painful to see him this way. I can hardly see to type this because I am stuck in my grief right now. It is horrible because seeing him brings me back to feeling something terrible is going to happen anytime. I feel like he is drowning and I am forced to watch. He wants help, but he can't pay for it and I won't do it again. He is going to outpatient treatment (he says), but he is using. He is miserable and ashamed. He is not in denial. He would try any help offerred, but so far nothing has worked. He goes to meetings, he has a sponsor, but something is not clicking, I am afraid it is too late. I can't help but think if we had a lot of money he could go to a good treatment facility for a good long time and maybe get help. I am not offerring excuses, I am fully aware no treatment in the world will help him if he doesn't want to get clean. I am also fully aware that all treatment is not created equal, he has been to a few. I don't know, and I would like to say I don't care, but I do. I know it is best for me that he is not here and maybe best for him. I know I need to move on with my life, but just for now I am sad, very sad, heartbroken and scared.

[Cheryl]

My heart is aching for you. I know that feeling only too well.

Have you tried the Salvation Army? They are free of charge and run a great program if he wants to get sober.

Cheryl