My husband is not my qualifier. It is my son.
Something you said struck a chord.....
This wasn't supposed to happen to me.
It is embarrassing,
I thought the same thing. I wondered what I had done to deserve this.
How could I have possible raised a child to do this. I was guilty, shamed,
angry and resentful. I hid the truth from so many. My denial about the
extent of his addiction lasted far too long. I took a lot of time to learn
about the disease of addiction and my own disease of co dependency.
I began to focus on me. In doing so I began to understand myself and
what I wanted for my life. The thing I had to come to terms with was
just how much I wanted to allow addiction into my life. Hard as this is,
I still maintain distance from my son (who has been in recovery for some
time). His behaviors, even in recovery, can trigger my own disease and
I don't like that. I love him from a distance. That works for me.
You said you are alone....you are not. You are never alone again. We are
here and we truly understand. You may not be able to change the past, but
you can change your future. Keep coming back!