Dave, After two and a half years, it still sucks and life is colored with a film of indifference. I am no longer able to experience heartfelt joy, even when I am with my young grandson. Nothing repairs my broken heart. When I expressed to a friend who has also lost her son to addiction, that I am so tired of feeling this way, she responded, "what did you expect?" She was right. We have experienced the worst possible loss. What was I thinking; that in a couple of years I would be o.k.? It is difficult accepting that I feel so sad so much of the time. And I can tell you that my second year was worse than the first. That's when I began to come out of the fog. Yes, I function, work, smile, laugh, but part of me died when Dan died. Though his death still seems surreal, I recently had a moment of healing. It was just a moment, but I recognized it. That's all I can ask for I guess. I personally have comfort knowing that Daniel is no longer in pain, because that is still the most painfully excruciating thought for me ; that he lived with so much pain every day he woke up.
When Daniel was alive in his addiction, I worked on acceptance, for my own recovery. I never had to like what was happening, but I had to accept it and let go. It is still the same for me now. I am working on trying not to fight the new me, even though I don't like the way I feel most of the time. It is still about acceptance, of myself. The journey continues... Hugs to you and Barb. Sharon L.