The Initial Shock is Starting to Wear Off...

[Texasnative]

It has been almost three weeks since my 25-year old died from an accidental overdose. Five days out of rehab on prescription medications he had been absuing before treatment. Or, so I think, nothing is for certain until the results come back. Although the rehab had detoxed him from everything, he still had presriptions from other doctors he refilled when he got out.

I had a hard time getting out of bed today to come to work. Somedays I just want to lay there all day long, but I can't. I tried to tell myself that the self-torture, pain, loneliness, isolation, homelessness, fear, shame, and everthying else my son had been experiencing for years had finally ended for my beautiful, charming son. He could have peace. That gave me some comfort initially.

But now I am just starting to realize that I will actually NEVER see him again, NEVER talk to him on the phone, NEVER have another holiday with him (He LOVED christmas, just like a child...eventhough he was 25), NEVER get to hug him, NEVER see him marry. He is TRULY gone. It is difficult to be around my husband's two adult daughters (they live 5 minutes away). I find that it is easier if I see them in small doses. When my daughter and his two daughters and their boyfriends are all there, it is just a painful reminder that my son is not there and will hever be there again. And, of course I feel guilty that I don't want to do the big family get together right now.

Many times I still can't believe it. Waiting for that phone call that says, "Hey Ma, whatcha doin?" As a self-professed "mama's boy," he was closer to me than anyone else. And yet, nothing I could say or do had an impact. Sometimes I would get so angry at him. I couldn't understand why he didn't try harder to stay clean. I think back on some of the things I said and thought...no mom should feel that way about their child. The last several months were plagued by so many difficult times and I had told my husband multiple times that I was afraid I was going to bury my son. And now...I still don't know what to expect and every day is different. Right now I just feel a little dead inside and exhausted.

People really don't know what to say to you. I am sure I make some of them uncomfortable just being in meetings. God forbid I should do that. I have felt a lot of love and support from many people but it just doesn't seem like it should be business as usual.

[NervousNelly]

Just take it one day, one minute at a time. Don't push yourself to do what you're not ready to do. Your family is there to help you get through this. I can understand not wanting "family" around at a time when you can't even comprehend "family" anymore, but with time this too shall pass. If you are back to work after 3 weeks, you are a strong, strong woman. Keep that in mind. And sometimes when you can't or don't want to be strong anymore, it's ok to cry and grieve.

God bless you.

Nelly

[river rock]

It isnt really business as usual, like you said people really
dont know what to say. My sister would be so hurt because
it seemed everyone was forgetting her son, which in reality,
they were uncomfortable, and afraid of making her sad. They
didnt know she wanted to talk about him, that it made her
feel uplifted. Just talk about him to whoever you want, so they
will feel free to join in about him.Thats what I did with my sister,
i learned thats what helped her. If people see its ok, maybe they
can do that too. Its still so early, Texasnative, you have to go through
the first year of all the holidays, birthday, and etc, (the firsts without
him). I know One Day at a Time, seems really trite , right now, even
one hr at a time, but I too cant feel your feelings, but I can be here,
to listen to whatever you want to share. I wish I could do more. I know
when my sister lost her son, she was told to take her time, and grieve,
as long as it takes. Just grieve, and dont get in a rut, dont stay in the
grieve mode. Its your right to grieve, and time will help. It will never
go away, but time will help ease the pain. I cant believe you are back at
work already! that is probably good, to be around people. Stay close,
to us, and post whenever you like. We may not know just what to
say, but you will know we are here for you and will love and pray you
to a whatever point we can.
Love you
River rock

[Linda (lsv)]

My friend,

I lost a daughter over 25 years ago...she was a baby and so very loved. She was my first child. I could not understand how the sun rose each morning; people went to work; people continued to live their lives. How could that be when my child, my precious child was gone??? I closed the curtains and just wanted to die. God had other plans for me...and they included feeling the pain of my loss. I really wanted to die. I was blessed with three more children...one is my addict. And, i have experienced much pain there also. I have no idea how my life, or the lives of my children will play out. I do know that I was blessed to have my daughter for the time I was given...I wished so it had been longer...forever. Just was not the plan of my HP.

I do want to share that I did find healing and peace. I availed myself to support services. I did isolate from those who loved me for a time...a bit of time. I did what I had to do. I am so sorry for your loss and your pain. You are not alone. It is like living in unreality...nothing seems real. I used to wake up thinking it was all a dream...it was not. It was my reality. I hated when people told me time heals...hated it. Thankfully, it was true...but not without the help and support I needed.

You are not alone. You loved him...he loved you. Life is not fair. It just is...life on life's terms...and they ca be brutal.

Love,
Linda

[lucky43]

I am so very sorry for the loss of your son. You know that it's hard for us that haven't been through this to know what to say to you. Other than to say that we are all here for you. As your Naranon family, we keep you in our thoughts and hearts as you continue on this journey called life.

Bless you and your family,

Genny

[dtosh]

There is little to say to comfort you. The initial shock is a blessing in disguise, but it does wear off and reality hits very hard. All I can say is that it takes time to get used to this new "normal". You won't like it, but you have to cope with it - if not for yourself, for others who love you. These three weeks have been the worst of your life and it may even get worse, but slowly it will get a little better. The pain and sorrow does not go away - how can it? - But you will learn to live with it. My heart goes out to you. I know how hard this is and I know how you feel. Please take care of yourself. It's too easy to let yourself go at a time like this.

[jeanette]

Thank you for sharing that with me - (((hugs)))

[Melanie40]

For you and those that have walked a simular path, I see courage & strength with each step that is taken walking through your grief. It gives me new meaning to the word hope & faith. Hope that I can recover from what the world brings to me and faith that my HP and the loving support of my fellowship will help hold me up.

(((HUGS)))

Melanie

[judyg]

I admire your courage in coming here to share, your determination in being able to put one foot in front of the other and move forward despite the grief, and your acceptance that your life is forever changed.

Much love to you and your family,

Judy

[DianeB]

I understand the loss of those you love. Loss of my brother,
my father, my mother. Yet, I have not lost a child. I cannot
even begin to fathom the depth of grief. I would imagine that
it a grief that would stay forever in my heart. Yet, I also know
that life does have a way of healing us. Time.

I can only pray that your HP wrap you in the warmth of care and
love.

Keep coming back...you are not forgotten. Neither is your son.

Hugs...

[Laura]

I am sending all my prayers to you. It sounds like you are doing what is right for you....one minute at a time, one day at a time.

If posting helps, even a tiny bit, please continue to do so.

Hugs

[PBH777]

Texas native,
I am so glad you keep sharing your feelings with us. I can't begin to imagine what it is like to lose a child. Your heart must break when you are around your husband's children. The sadness and longing must be unbelievable. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

love,
njmom

[Gerilyn]

You are in my thoughts and prayers as you grieve for your dear son. Your family here really cares deeply about you. I am so sorry for the pain you are experiencing. Just take one minute at a time. Baby steps. And know we are all here for you.
Love,
Gerilyn

[daughter9moons]

Texas Native,

I know hwere you are with this. Twenty-eight years ago, my best friend died from driving under the influence of drugs and alcohol. I was devastated and none of our other friends even wanted to talk about him. They were so uncomfortable that they acted like he had never existed. I would frequently go to his mother's so that she and I could talk and look at pictures, remembering him. We both needed that so much. We needed the grieving. Together.

I still miss him today. He was a wonderful, beautiful man.

Hugs to you. I am praying for your comforting in this time.

[Cheryl]

Dear Texas Native,

I cannot imagine what it must feel like to lose your beautiful son. You are going through the nightmare that we all fear, the loss of a loved one to addiction. A number of years ago, I lost my dad to cancer and I learned then that there is a difference between dying and death. When our loved ones are in active addiction, we grieve as if one is dying .... and we hold on to hope until there is no more hope. And though it did not bring back my dad or ease my pain, I did find some comfort in knowing that there was no more cancer. I too found that others often do not know what to say to someone who has suffered such a loss. My prayers are with you.

Love,
Cheryl