Hi Ava and welcome!
Living with, and loving an addict is the hardest thing I have ever done. My alo is my son. I remember on nite, when he was in very active addiction, and I was not in recovery at all (did not even know it existed for me), I said something I have regretted ever since; I told him I hated him. I never would have believed those words could come out of my mouth. I still feel the impact of those words now. They could not have been further from the truth. I loved him so much, I was so scared, so frustrated, so out of my mind. What I hated was the addiction. I still hate addiction...always will. I have learned that I can love my son, using or sober. I think the anger is normal as long as you can move through it. To deal with all of the emotions addiction caused, I needed help...I got it...it is here and it is Nar-Anon. I hope you can find a meeting near you and go to it asap. Also, we have meetings online daily at different times to accomodate time zones, jobs, etc. There is one tonite at 9 PM EST. To get to the meeting, just click on the chat icon at the top right of this page. Hope to see you tonite and glad you found us...you are not alone at all.