I am not married yet I have had plenty of sex
do I still qualify to answer your questions?
To the first, speaking as a woman, I say yes - it is normal to not want to have sex with someone who is high/drunk or even angry. My reply usually goes along the lines of, "Well if you loved me, you wouldn't get high first" - then we usually would go a few more rounds of arguing back and forth and defending ourselves against the others statements ( read perceived attacks) and both of us would be miserable and he would still want sex.
What I have learnt since is that men and women both want connection yet we desire it differently - for a woman to feel close to a man she needs to be touched inwardly and for a man to feel close to his woman he needs to be touched outwardly. In other words a woman's desire is awoken by words and a man's by touch and each person needs their desire to be met either emotionally or physically. Venus and Mars for sure!
He responds to NO! by shutting down to her emotional center and she responds to NO! by shutting off to his physical need and the swords are drawn for battle.
How do you find the balance? - if I knew that I would be rich
I do know but I have to share about my faith specifically and that is not allowed.
Also speaking as a woman my ex alo would speak about his drug of choice in very 'relational' terms to the point where you would think he was describing a lover - to me I felt he was cheating on me in a sense and that turned me off from wanting to be close as well.
I am also a recovered drug user so I know how heightened a sexual experience is when you are high and how a person can come to find 'not high sex' very boring indeed. Well that is how it was for me.
Yet like anything that promises pleasure 'outside the bounds of its intent' it soon had me in chains. I have since been set free, maybe one day I will get to experience the pleasure within the bounds of it's intent.