Need replies from married women regarding sex!

[Deb]

I am not married yet I have had plenty of sex do I still qualify to answer your questions?

To the first, speaking as a woman, I say yes - it is normal to not want to have sex with someone who is high/drunk or even angry. My reply usually goes along the lines of, "Well if you loved me, you wouldn't get high first" - then we usually would go a few more rounds of arguing back and forth and defending ourselves against the others statements ( read perceived attacks) and both of us would be miserable and he would still want sex.

What I have learnt since is that men and women both want connection yet we desire it differently - for a woman to feel close to a man she needs to be touched inwardly and for a man to feel close to his woman he needs to be touched outwardly. In other words a woman's desire is awoken by words and a man's by touch and each person needs their desire to be met either emotionally or physically. Venus and Mars for sure!

He responds to NO! by shutting down to her emotional center and she responds to NO! by shutting off to his physical need and the swords are drawn for battle.

How do you find the balance? - if I knew that I would be rich I do know but I have to share about my faith specifically and that is not allowed.

Also speaking as a woman my ex alo would speak about his drug of choice in very 'relational' terms to the point where you would think he was describing a lover - to me I felt he was cheating on me in a sense and that turned me off from wanting to be close as well.

I am also a recovered drug user so I know how heightened a sexual experience is when you are high and how a person can come to find 'not high sex' very boring indeed. Well that is how it was for me.

Yet like anything that promises pleasure 'outside the bounds of its intent' it soon had me in chains. I have since been set free, maybe one day I will get to experience the pleasure within the bounds of it's intent.

Deb xxx

[kpearl]

IMO Addcition robs us of many things along the way. I have lots of material things missing from my home whch can never be replaced. I have let go of them. We are different people in recovery. We have to let go of the past. Most of opur behaviors duing the chaos of active addcition are motivated by fears and resentments. We often have to fall in love all over again. We have to make amends and move on. You did the best you could during his active addiction and are doing the best you can now. I have asked my loved ones to be patient with me. They are not the only ones changing. I have asked for forgivieness for things that I may have done that were selfish and motivated by resentment. IMO Both need to look at thier parts in this play. If he loves you now..then NOW is what matters. Recovery is a process too. It takes time. Hopfully he is willing to give that to you and you to him. Certainly you both lost intimacy during his active addiction. Not just him. Take what you can. Love Katie

[CarterCo]

I have felt the same way about having sex with my husband when he was using. I hated the thought that he was shooting that poison
into my body and he disgusted me and I refused to have sex with him. When he was clean we enjoyed a very good sex life. We have been together 29 years, 19 years married and we are in our mid forties now. Currently my husband is in true recovery and I am working my own recovery andour sex life is improving every day. Since becoming clean and sober he has gained an extra 20 lbs and there was some shrinkage below and he was very self conscious about it but I am grateful that we have good communication now between us and can talk about these things and get them resolved. I love our lovemaking now because we have become so much closer and the intimacy between us is now on a whole new level.

The addiction robbed me of many things including a healthy sex life with my husband but our recovery is allowing us to rediscover each other
learning about ourselves and each other.

(((HUGSSS)))

[jeanette]

wow - what a frank discussion -

my situation is similar to broken -due various prescriptions, my husband can no longer perform - hasn't been able to for a VERY long time. It took a to huge toll on his psyche - and I believe it is a lot of when led to or increased his drug use and depression.

I too have those memories of him forcing me when he came home and finally giving in and hating every minute, even when I orgasmed.

I like to sleep alone, my job had me on the road a lot, when I was home he would be "out" most nights and not get home until it was time for me to get up, then there was the two years of arrest, jail, halfway house - I like having the bed to myself - getting up and being able to turn on lights and open drawers -

but I miss intimacy - I want to be intimate with him - but his severe depression makes me feel like I would be taking advantage of a very sick person - and I don't want that

so - personally - I keep a good stock of batteries!

[flbeachbabe]

I did the same thing as you regardless of wheter he was high or not. (Well actually my husband has not been free from drugs for like 2 years so I really can't tell you if he was high or not ANYWAYS) FOR ME sex is not just a physical thing it is emotional also. I know that he had hurt me so much that I just could not bring myself to have sex with him. It would take me a long time to get back to the point where I could have sex with him after each betrayal and it seemed like everytime we got there I would usally start crying after we had sex because I felt I had let my guard down. This part might be to personal but there were also times when we would have great sex and then I found out later he was high so that would ALSO really hurt me because I knew he was lying to me. Hope that helps a little.

[flbeachbabe]

OMG I just read the above post about the batteries! THAT IS HILARIOUS!!!!!!! HAHAHAHA. That reminds me I need to keep some on hand since I am getting a divorce

[SuzeMom]

I have two addicts in my family; one is my husband, who has been sober for eighteen years and counting, and the other is my son, who has recently confessed to heroin abuse and is currently in rehab; unhappy with us that we don't wish him to come home until he has solid recovery.
I have difficulty having social intercourse, never mind sexual intercourse with my husband when not sober-even when on a "dry drunk" as while he has not picked up in all of those years, they haven't all been wonderful times. In general, I need to feel safe to let down my guard and truly enjoy sex. If my husband wants sex, but we have not had a decent conversation in days, I feel very fragile and cannot easily let him passed my guarded feelings and body.

So, I believe that it isn't necessarily only when a recovering addict slips that one is wary, but when they forget that sex, as delicious as it can be, is intimacy of the sort that can only be generated between two people who trust that neither will hurt the other.

I do believe that this is worth waiting for and small intimate acts (brushing your face with his hands, holding hands, etc.) can be very reassuring that it is YOU he wants and not just sexual release. (There are plenty of ways to get sexual relief alone if that is what is the over-reaching goal.

Love you you and prayers that your marraige, like mine, survives this hard hitting disease.

Suze

[heket]

I'm not married, but I've been in a relationship for a decade

I totally understand why you wouldn't want to have sex with him when he is under the influence!!! When my partner indulges in coke there's no POINT in us having sex .... I won't go into the realms of tmi though

For me, sex is about intimacy, and you can't be intimate with someone who isn't present in their own body or mind!YOu can be physical, but not intimate. For him to say that your rejection of his advances is the cause of his current issues is untrue. He is blaming YOU for HIS problems! You are not at fault for guarding your personal boundaries against his drug slurred advances, your body is your temple and it is your right to refuse him any time you see fit.

I hope that one day you get to experience a full and lively sex life again, every woman deserves that!

I am constantly shocked by the behaviour of addicts and how harmful it can be. Love to all xxx

[meg]

i would not have sex with my husband if he is under the influence of drugs or drinking. its just too annoying.

[lulykr]

I know this post is from ages ago but it really hit home for me. I would not have sex with my husband for years. It killed me as I really enjoy sex, but I could not do it when he was using. I was unable to open up an be intimate with someone who was not there. It cost dearly. He chose to find sex outside the marriage. But I did not compromise myself and for that I am grateful. It is his addiction that lead to the situation and in no way was my fault.
Now that he is in recovery, we are able to talk about this. I am/was devastated by his choice to cheat but still feel like I have my self respect. There was alot of blame at first on his part. Then a shift happened-thank you NA and his HP. One day he said to me, it is not your fault at all! How could I expect you to be open and love me when I didn't love myself? Today we are working on rebuilding ourselves and our marriage. It is scary because who knows what tomorrow will bring. I'm sure I'm where I need to be for today.
Becca

[ConfusedCincinnatian]

I am so glad that this topic came up. My AH has many things that he is obsessive/compulsive about and sex is one of them. Right now, he is focusing on staying clean with the idea that he can worry about his porn addiction later. As long as he's clean, he feels as though he is making progress. The problem is that this is very much old people, places and things. His obsession with porn and other women take their toll. Left unchecked, it will be the thing that takes him back out. When the obsession becomes great enough, he has been known to pick up prostitutes and the guilt leads to using.

When we have sex, it oftentimes leaves me empty. It's about instant gratification and not a real connection. I watch him and wonder where he is in the moment. Eyes closed and little contact with me beyond penetration. Echoing the sentiments of some of the women above, I want to be touched, to build to that moment and enjoy one another. Don't get me wrong, there are times when it can be very satisfying to just go at it, but by and large, I want to know that you are with me and not with someone else in your head.

Sometimes, I think that the intimacy shared in our ALO's meetings lend themselves to dangerous scenarios. There are those who would take advantage of the sense of intimacy that is fostered in sharing out of such graphic intimate detail and the constant embracing at the meetings. It is an opportunity and excuse for physical contact with the objects of your obsession. I've watched him stare at women in the meetings and linger just a little too long with the hug. To speak about one girl or another obsessively and then to find out that he and she are texting one another.

When betrayals have occurred on so many levels, it is only natural to want to protect yourself and to pull away a little. For me, trust is not a feeling, it's earned. And true intimacy includes respect, trust, honesty, and partnership.

[Ripley01]

It's been a really long time since the last post on this topic but I thought maybe if I posted something, there would be some new responses. I am so tired of my husband's lies, anger and broken promises that having sex with him at this point truly makes me feel physically ill. When he's high, lets just say things don't work very well for him and the whole thing is very frustrating. I no longer want to be intimate with him on any level. Sometimes I wonder why I'm even in the relationship. Probably for my kids. Every time we're alone together I worry that he is going to initiate sex and I will have to reject him or just give in and have to feel the horrible discomfort of having my body manipulated by him. The whole thing makes me sick. Anyone feel the same way?

[georgiapeach]

I totally understand why you wouldn't want to have sex with him when he is under the influence!!! When my partner indulges in coke there's no POINT in us having sex .... I won't go into the realms of tmi though

For me, sex is about intimacy, and you can't be intimate with someone who isn't present in their own body or mind!

you hit the nail on the head here!! i can't stand to look at my AH when he's high much less touch him. I think your husband needs to take responsibility for that. he did that to himself.

[Ripley01]

I don't want to have sex with my husband at all, high or not. I have so much anger, resentment and disrespect for him and what he is doing to me and our children. The thought of being intimate with him seriously makes me sick to my stomach. Sex used to be really good. This marriage is turning into a terminal illness. I don't know if I can return to that happy place again, even if he gets sober.

[Martha]

This is a very sticky part of my marriage.My AH has not used in a year now.Yet I do not "want" to have sex with him.
he still refers to it as making love, but I don't. I dpn't feel intimate with him because I can no longer trust. he as not come through with his promises. He is not supporting our family, even when I was out of work. I feel as if I am carrying the whole load and when he says"You wanna make love" I think NO...I still have lunches to make, a house to clean, take care of the kids...etc...etc....etc..... I am tired, I have been doing this for too long. One time, he , for lack of a better term, raped me. I acted like I was asleep and he took it anyway...then later he made a comment about "Are you sure you were asleep, because usually, your legs are more relaxed So now I wonder, when I am exhausted and passed out from it, does he take advantage of me???? Just recently, he made a comment about my period, but we have never had a conversation about my having it right now...so did he try one night and discover it???? I don't know, but I do not feel comfortable. I give in to basically get him off my back.....so now I need to figure out how to get out, support my houe and the kids and make ends meet. I don't get paid as much as I used to. No guaranteed income...now I need to find some "work at home" work to try to take up the slack. Then I will be better able to make my move towards serenity....
Hoping to hear some responses on what others ESH might be on this.
Cyber Hugs and God Bless,
martha