So, I went back to work today, (first day back for teachers and staff at the school! Woohoo?!??) And reconected with one of my fellow staff members whose daughter is currently i active addiction.
This woman helped me through a lot of tough times last year at work, and knew how hard it was to not just break down and cry every second, of every day. She knew that behind the fake smiles, and the quiet demeanor my mind drilled away at what was going on with my ALO, and the unsurmountable amount of pain, hurt, devestation and confusion that was going on in my life outside of the four walls we worked in.
One year ago I met her, though it took about 9 months before we started talking about what the truth was behind everything. Before we shared stories. I saw her 3 weeks ago before I went on vacation and today she told me...
"You are stronger, I see your strength"
I told her about this forum, and will be sending her the link tonight, and we talked about going to a f2f meeting together. I do not know after that what will happen, I can only hope that she finds something to give her hope to keep going back.
As for me... I was taken back by the fact that in only a few short weeks she says that I have grown, because I do not feel it. I have periods where I can say.... "Yes, I understand, that although he may not be using drugs that does not mean that he is 1) working a program or 2) actually using his brain and not his addict brain"
But then, I have perioids, (like now) Where I want to talk to him, where I want to know what he is doing. This right now I see is not just out of feelings.(I really feel like he will forget about me. Like amneisia type.. has NO memory what so ever at all... like I never exsisted forget!) . but also out of boredom I guess. Not immerssing myself in something that will take my mind off of it.
I also had a realization today that next thursday would have been my 9 year wedding anniversary if I was still married, and although some people would be bothered by that. I wasn't. I look back at the last 10 years of my life and not only do I wonder where it went.. but I see the change it has taken, and the road that I have travled.. and I am telling you if you told me this is where I would end up 9 years ago.. I would have laughed at you.
I see now that nothing ever works out the way I "plan" for it to, and that I need to focus on today, and what I have taken away from each day. I do not want to wake up in another 10 years and look back and say... Where has my life gone?!?! and how did it end up here?!!?