An update

[jraisbeck]

If I have learned anything in the past month of being separated from my AH and having time to really work on MY recovery and see things from a different perspective, I have realized just how much expectation I had for our marriage, for his abstinence to turn into real recovery and for our marriage to be all that I HOPED it could be. I have realized that I cannot expect anything from him except for what I see in his behavior. I have realized that expectations from others only set ME up to be disappointed. I have realized from coming here & reading posts that when an addict truly seeks recovery I will see an apparent change in their behavior over an extended period of time. I have realized that I can take as much time as I want/need to make a decision that is best for me & my kids in our situation.

These are some of the things that I have learned. Take what is helpful for you & leave the rest.

[carpediem]

I figure in a week I'll be able to see if he's changed his behaviors or not

My AS was sober and in treatment for 18 months, and still had major addict behavior. Recovery takes a ton of hard work and a lot of time, not to mention a strong desire to change. My expectations really got the best of me when he went away to rehab, and I found out that there was no magic wand that was going to make him just the way he was prior to drug use.

[Laura]

I catch myself wondering what it will be like when my AH returns from his inpatient treatment program. I will "what if" and "I should" for hours if I don't stop myself. I know these are not good thought patterns for me, as when I think like this, I immediately get anxious.

I am a planner by nature, so living one day at a time and not making decisions or plans for when he comes out is hard for me. But the less I think about what is going to happen a month from now, and the more I focus on my own recovery makes me less anxious. Knowing I have a month left has made me really prioritize what I am doing for me, so that I can be as strong in my own program as I can be for when he returns. I don't want to relapse any more than I want him to relapse, but I will try and be prepared for anything.

He told me the other day he doesn't think about anything else other than his recovery right now, nor does he want to. He is not being mean, he is being truthful. My initial thought to hearing that was "how come he doesn't think about me?". But then I quickly realized that when I am truly focused on my recovery, I don't think about him either! And for me, right now, that is a good thing.

He told me, in hindsight, when he went through his first rehab, he went to the 90 meetings in 90 days cause he had to. He said he thought he had it all under control and didn't really share at the meetings or get involved. He didn't think he really needed it. Now, he is in his 2nd rehab, and it is months later. The differernce this time is he made the choice on his own to go and is working on his issues and is taking accountablity. He told me he didn't do it the first time, but didn't realize it until now. He also told me there was nothing I could have said, done, or threatened him with that would have made him stop. He decided on his own and it had nothing to do with me.

I don't know what will happen when he comes home. I will worry about it when I need to, if I need to. I am not putting any conditions or expectations on myself right now, other than to focus on me. Some days I have to keep repeating this to myself as it it not natural for me yet.

Take what you like and leave the rest.

[TooShyToScream]

What I am struggling with right now, my family, is what will happen when he's done his 90 days. I am HOPING it will be a Lon enough period clean to change some of his worst behaviors. I know it probably won't change them all but I'll settle for at least 60%. I can always change my mind and kick him out again if this is not the case. But I love this man dearly and I feel he deserves another chance. He is working his ass off on his recovery and staying clean. He is very, very sick from w/d but keeps on hanging on. He has his sponsor to guide him. He is on the right path. He deserves another shot, I feel. Maybe I totally wrong about this and you know what, if I am, it won't be the end of the world. I will tell him my goodbyes and move on with my life forever.

[drinkingwater]

What I am struggling with right now, my family, is what will happen when he's done his 90 days. I am HOPING it will be a Lon enough period clean to change some of his worst behaviors.

What will happen to him when he's done his 90 days is not your problem. It's not in your hula hoop. You and your own recovery ARE. I have never met an addict that changed their "worst" behaviors in three months. The worst ones are the ones that take the longest to get rid of! I have found that keeping my expectations for others in check (read: having ZERO expectations for anyone) keeps me from being disappointed when what I think should happen does not. What is "60%" ? What does that even mean? How will you judge whether or not he has met your expectation? How many other little rules, percentages and expectations do you have set for someone who you cannot control?

You have a higher power. So does your addict... and it is not you.

When I stopped taking someone else's inventory I found myself better able to take my own.

::hugs::
Lindsey

[Melissa]

None of us have a crystal ball. Sometimes I slipped into a dream-like state, conjuring up visions of "how it will play out--according to MY schedule" . Where is my HP in this mix? EGO: Edging God Out. Hmmmmm?????


It takes a YEAR (or more) of the addict brain to recover from years of using--in addition to healing the body.
Addict behaviors don't "abracadabra" change-o according to this "rule of thumb".

NA & AA recommend that intimate relationships be put on hold for a minimum of six months because the addict has so much work to do on himself/herself that there is little time to work on developing or repairing a heathy relationship. These things take time and lots of it.

During this time, working on our own personal recovery with a sponsor is a good plan. For me, even though my ALO is my son, I had (and still do) lots of issues I had to face of my own. It has been a period of self-intropsection and growth. Yes, even OLD dogs can be taught new tricks.

Doing nothing is doing something. This is a good mantra as it relates to our ALOs. Not so good when it comes to putting our recovery on the back burner.

(((hugs)))

[Roxers2011]

90 days is a long way away. If you spend the next 90 days worrying about what will happen at the end of it, you will probably have a miserable 3 months! When my ABF went to rehab, at first I didn't even know how long he would be there, but I tried my best not to focus on what was going to happen when he got out. I knew that I needed to put a lot of work into my own recovery if we had any chance of having a good relationship if he chose to stick with recovery. Obviously we didn't follow the "no relationships for 6-months or a year or whatever" thing. I think all situations are different. We will see what happens. As to what will happen after 90 days, and whether you will know if he has changed behaviors, I'd say deal with the situation when it arises, but in the meantime, keep working on you, you have made so much progress! ((hugs)) Love you!

[TooShyToScream]

I have read all of your posts, and here are the things that I do understand:

1. I cannot predict what will happen in 90 days so I will do my best not to worry about it.
2. I do need to go to meetings every single day to work on my codepemdency.

What I don't understand is:

1. Why is it none of my business if he says clean or not after his 90 days? I don't want to deal with active addiction anymore so I feel like it is my business to know whether I'm making a mistake or not.
2. How can I possibly wait 6 months to a year to be with him again? 3 months is long enough for me as it is. I just wouldn't be able to do something like that and it would devastate him as well. Not sure if he'd be able to deal with it either.
3. I know that doing nothing is doing something and I am doing nothing by waiting for his 90 days to be up. However if we don't have any kind of perspective plan AT ALL, I wouldn't be able to handle that. I need to know whether we are planning to get back together if things go as planned or whether it's over forever. If I don't know that major detail, I can't just live one day at a time cause it's pretty important to me.
4. I guess I consider his worst behaviors the lying, stealing, callousness, criticizing, verbal abuse, lack of affection, and unwillingness to seek recovery. That's why I said that if a good portion of those would subside in 90 days it would become a lot more tolerable. And of course I'm willing to wait until the rest go away too slowly. I just want to be respected and loved. And if he still won't be able to give me that, then I'm going to say goodbye again. This time forever. I really don't see them as expectations. I see them as boundaries that if he is not willing to fulfill I am not willing to stick around. I don't expect him to be perfect though.

[Lyra]

I understand the desperate need to control a difficult and scary situation. My ALO has gone to rehab twice in the almost 2 years i have known him. The first time he bought weed the day he got out and did not work a recovery program. I tried and tried to push him to do one and he wouldnt. And I ended up enabling big time. He relapsed onto his DOC, crack cocaine. (not a surprise). The second time he came out with a sponsor in place, ready to work the NA program, excited about his recovery, having actually read some of the books, etc, etc. This happy period lasted about three weeks and then he relapsed while I was out of the country for a wedding. After that he got back on the wagon but then it became a charade, and eventually he started using crack every night like he used to before he met me.

The second time around I thought for sure this was it. He acted so differently, he was so excited, he was really passionate about the idea of recovery, about sponsors, about everything. But it didnt last. He started and then I guess he felt the work was too hard, or it was too scary or tough to face himself or he was bored or maybe a combination of many things. It is not easy to live a sober life, especially when you haven't for a long time. He went back to what he knows best.

The point is, I tried so desperately to control the situation. Over and over and over again. And I couldn't. That is how I came to Nar-Anon, after this second relapse, when I was feeling lost and scared and insane. I still try now and then to control the situation, in fact, Saturday and Sunday nights I called up my ALO crying and sad because of the situation, and of course by doing that some little part of me was hoping he would see, he would finally understand that he was losing me that he was losing us and that he was hurting me and that he would suddenly get it, and get back into recovery. Well. That is unlikely to happen. And it just hurts both of us when I call him like that.

There is no guarantee that your ALO will get better this time Tanya. This may be it, this may be the time, but it may not be either. Yes, that is scary as all f--k. Yes, its sad. But it is also true. We can't know and we dont know when its going to stick, when its going to be "the time" that they actually make it. And even people in long term recovery do relapse-sometimes they hop right back onto recovery-and sometimes they dont. There are no guarantees and no control. We cannot control their addiction, we cannot cure their addiction. NOR can we control their recovery. Its their recovery, not ours.

All I can say is that the more time I spend working my program and the less time I spend making rules or regulations about exactly what I must see from my ALO, the better for me. Why? Because I am less focused on my ALO. Like a number of people have said here, you will KNOW when he is working his program, REALLY working his program. There is no way to judge whether someone has gotten rid of 60% of their negative behaviors unless we figure out a way to measure peoples behaviors and grade them and judge whether they are bad or not. There is no way to know if he actually listened, heard, learned, from the meetings he attended. I could attend ameeting every night here and pay no attention to what is being said. The same with your ALO. If he is really working the program, you will know.

Some things that catch me a lot: projecting about the future, worrying about what will happen, getting anxious and playing out blow by blow scenarios in my head: "if this happens Ill do this, what if he does this when what will I do, etc" This causes a lot of stress for me when I do it.

The tool that helps me most is reading over and over the little blue book where it talks about living in the present and trying very hard to do that. Focus on today. Focus on RIGHT NOW. And do nice things for yourself. And work on your recovery. The rest WILL become clear, day by day. You DO NOT have to figure it all out and plan it all out now-things are going to move and change and flow over time. You DONT Have to make all these big decisions now, and remember, you CAN change your mind and decide things in the future too. Dont worry, let it go as much as you can. It WILL work out.

When I just enjoy today, take care of me today, make it through today without worrying too much about the future, I do best. I struggle with this too, so I know its not easy. But I try to remember: Let Go and Let God. Let Go and Let my HP guide me. Let Go and have faith-it WILL work out. Ill be ok. And so will you. You dont have to decide when or how you are taking him back yet. You dont have to plan months in advance. All you have to do is enjoy the day. And know that things will work out. And keep working it. It will get easier (I have to believe that myself because some days ARE hard).

[TooShyToScream]

It seems to me like the only thing todo is to try to risk it or not risk it. There's no other option.

[DianeB]

Only two options? The is one more....

One day at a time, wait to see how
it all unfolds.

Making choices without having all
the information I needed is a recipe
for disaster and disappointment. It
is me forcing an outcome.

Working on me, letting the future
unfold as it will, accepting that a
HP has a good idea of where I am
heading puts me exactly where I
need to be.

As to the miraculous 90 day character
defect cure.....I guess my son didn't get
that memo. He is still working on his and
finding success after 2 years. Expectations
are deadly for me....I have to wait and see
to believe.

Hugs....

[Roxers2011]

Diane, you took the words right out of my brain.

A third choice - wait and see how things go. Having hope that he will stay in recovery and that you will be able to get back together, but giving it over to your HP and waiting to see how things unfold, continuing to live and improve your life in the meantime. In the end, even if all seems well, of course it is still a risk - there will always be the risk of relapse. But that is a decision you can make when you have more information - when you can see for yourself how he is after 90 days.

[Debness]

My AOL is my son, not my significant other, but I am thinking about his behavior after three months in rehab (he spent a total of six months in rehab and a sober living home and has been clean for a little over two years).

He is my darling, sweet and considerate adult son now, but after three months in rehab he was pretty much still a jerk, thinking only of himself and the often unrealistic things he wanted. I do not think he could have dealt with the pressure of having to come and live with us and be a normal, productive person after three months of recovery.

He was fragile, his recovery was fragile, and his dad and I hadn't worked our program long enough at that time either. I think we would have been setting him up to fail if we had planned to require him to be a loving, considerate son after 90 days. All he could manage, I believe, was to not take drugs and to work his program one day at a time. He just did not have it in him to worry about anyone else yet.

Addicts are sick, very sick. I'm afraid that treatment, whether it consists of inpatient, outpatient, counseling, NA meetings, working the steps or all of the above, takes longer than three months to make a significant change in the addict's thinking and behavior.

In some ways it is easier having an addicted child than having an addicted significant other. There is no question that I could and would wait a year or as long as it took to have him back in my life. I will always be his mother, and it's not as though I want to move on and find another son. Those who face a choice of whether to stay or go have different decisions to make.

Debbie

[Lyra]

Debbie, thanks for saying that because I think those of us who have a partner/SO/lover who is an addict struggle with that problem a lot. No doubt some folks do disinherit their children. But I think there is a lot more pressure and expectations that a person will simply leave their partner if they have such a serious problem, especially if they are not seeking recovery. I too wonder, how long will I wait? It is a question I am asking myself today. Do I need a romantic partner by my side right now? can I wait? How long can I wait? I am trying to take it day by day, because I know the answer will come someday and until I am sure, I am not making any hasty decisions.

[Cheryl]

Dear Tooshy,

With all this feedback, I would be feeling pretty overwhelmed right now. There are no set rules in any of this. To me there are two important factors: 1) his recovery and 2) your recovery. Are they separate from one another? Yes, but as change occurs, how do two people involved in the same relationship change together?

My son who is in recovery (JFT) has been in a stable relationship since the first month he left treatment. She is not an addict. When he relapsed a few months ago, she was not the one who could tell him not to use. It had to come from him, and ever since, he has been heavily involved in AA.

Generally speaking, a newly recovering addict is advised against starting a new relationship in the first year so that one is able to focus on oneself. My son did not follow this advise but was still able to handle both. If I recall correctly, Tooshy, you have been in a two year relationship ? Looking at this pragmatically, what is in your best interest and his best interest? Does recovery require not living together, not seeing each other for 45 to 90 days? Can you see him but not live with him? Yes, nothing changes if nothing changes. But what kind of changes work best for you in relation to him?

Tooshy, you will find your answers. When I was searching for how I needed to change, I went to a lot of meetings to include AA and NA meetings. I needed to understand the addict perspective on how recovery occurs for the addict, not just for me.

Today, my 21 year old son is a kind and sensitive person. And I've learned how to be a different kind of mom in our relationship. Recovery can happen and relationships can thrive.

Cheryl