With the understanding that addiction is a disease and the realization that we are powerless over it as well as over people's lives, we are ready to do something useful and constructive with our own.
Then, and only then can we be of any help to others.
I just cancelled one of the motel rooms for next week's vacation. It was already clear my husband wasn't going and today it became clear my 13 year old son would not be going. This vacation is a family reunion with my side of the family. I initiated the idea and my cousins supported us getting together. We have not been together in [b]18 years[/b] and who knows if there will be a next time. In my heart I believe I can control my part in this event by not bringing along people who potentially will (and in the past have) created stress and strain.
I also found out my AS who has not lived here in almost two weeks has been sneaking back in on at least 1 occasion and maybe more. It is so difficult to think I can control anyone or anything outside of myself. I sometimes feel like I am in the middle of a huge ant hill and just can't get rid of the thousands of ants. I trust what I can get rid of is my feeling of being a victim and holding onto my sense of completeness and love for me.
Added to this is my AD not wanting to take responsibility for herself in most ways and I find myself whenever in dialogue with her trying to "tell her what is best" for her to do. How do I know what is best for her? - I am not her. Gosh I know when I hit my head against the wall over and over it is going to hurt - why I continue to hurt myself with this kind of interaction is something I have to work on.
Often I feel guilty that I caused the dysfunction and unhappiness in my family. We are failing and it seems everyone else just keeps moving along. I have to let go and let God.
I still am wrestling with "not causing". I have wrapped myself around not controlling and not curing.
I am off to get a massage which I planned for many weeks ago.
I look forward to strengthening my sense of control over me and letting go of the fantasy that I can control anyone else's life.
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Thank you for sharing your awareness that all I can control is ME. Letting go of the guilt of feeling like I caused my son's addiction took alot of time and work. I know that I did not Cause it, cannot Control it, and cannot Cure it. What I can, and did do in the past in a big way, was Contribute to the addiction through my enabling and codependent behaviors. That I could change. I have been working on changing ME for over four years. I have made much progress...and have a long way to go! This is a program without a graduation date.
Hope you enjoyed your massage! You are worth it
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