I am beginning to understand

[Jim78]

Hello to all of my Nar-Anon Family,

I am finally beginning to understand the 12-steps. I will be getting the AA Big Book and already have the NA book, both of which I shall read to go back the source of the 12-steps and how they relate to Nar-Anon.

What I am starting to understand is the 12-steps help me to break down my ego. I admitted I am powerless, which is very hard on my ego. I am 51-years old and have been able solve my problems through shear will power. Well I can't do that with addiction, even if it were mine, let alone another persons.

I am learning that I cannot control my automatic thoughts, they just happen as apart of who I am. What I am doing is slowing down and accepting those thoughts, and then looking at them in different ways. Both the acceptance of the thoughts as something I can't control and the fact that I am looking at many of them differently is really helping me. I will give you examples of two things that came to mind when I woke up this morning.

1 - When driving if someone were to ride my a$$ and then zoom past me when they have the chance I would usually get tense and uptight, then give them the bird and cuss at them “what an A$$hole, where the hell did you learn to drive” That is my ego. New way of thinking – What if said person just got a call that his child was just struck by a car and was unconscious and not breathing in front of his house. Wouldn't I do anything I could to help this person get to his child?

2 - If I am offended at work I would usually again think what an a$$hole. But what if this person had an ALO, wouldn't I then do everything I could to help them get the information they need to get into recovery? I remember when I really accepted that my son was a heroin addict and that I was going through my divorce, I certainly wasn't in the best mood for months. Ego – I have the right to be in a bad mood, but others don't?

The fact that these were some of my first thoughts as I woke up is a big change from waking up and obsessing about my AS.

I believe that the 12-steps are helping me break down my self-centered ego and I can show more compassion to anyone I come in contact with. Now my ego is on its way to supporting my inner self, instead if my inner self supporting my ego. The universe does not revolve around me, I am only a part of it.

Jim

[Sandi68]

Those are some great ideas to think on
Thanks for sharing
Sandi

[pabrown]

Thank you for this Jim...I get it. Before coming to this forum
I was the person that had all the answers (so I thought) and
would try to control and make people believe that. I admit
I probably was not very much fun to be around. Addiciton
turned me into a crazy person and I tried even harder
to control everything around me. My lack of compassion
for others opinions and ideas only led me to isolation.
I didn't even like myself. But I didn't know how to change,
would giving this up be the end of me or removing these
character defects of mine create the person I want to be.
It has been a blessing to find my "new self" and it will
be a journey that never ends. Glad to be on this journey
with you.

((Hugs))
Patsy

[Melanie40]

Great insight. It is amazing what I can find when I look within and pause and pick a new perspective for the things I want to change. Always hoping those new choices become automatic to my serenity. Remembering to remind myself to look at my good qualities too.

Melanie

[Melissa]

Jim---

As a Mom and a caregiver--I have been the "go to" person in the family with the answers. I guess I was rather 'puffed up' with my ability to find solutions and having it all under control.

Upon discovering the seriousness of our son's addiction, I continued with my 'puffery" and mistaken sense of control and ability "to work through the situation" with our son. DUH. I was in such denial--which was clouded by my infated ego (a SuperMom complex I guess).

After many years of doing it my way, I was totally humbled and put in my place by my son's sponsor. I didn't have the answers. I didn't have access to the magic potion cure my son. I was about a big of mess as he was. Addiction finally brought me to my knees.

This program--starting at the beginning with Step One--admitting my life was unmanagable was HUGE epithany for me.

Finding a sponsor and working through my workbook--with a lot of prodding, nudging and reality checksfrom my sponsor and some folks here on the Forum--I came to realize, I was a bigger problem than I thought!! Step Four and the fearless inventory helped me take a hard look at my flaws and character defects.

The Nar-Anon program transfers to all parts of our lives--not just dealing with addiction. While I am not ready to say I am thankful for addiction in my life, I am ready to say I am thankful for what Nar-Anon has taught me about myself and my relationship to others. I understand where you are coming from with a heightened sense of compassion and willingness to be more tolerant of crap that happens in our daily lives.

Thanks for sharing your sou-searching and YOUR epithany!!

(((hugs)))

[Rocksy0118]

Jim

Thanks for sharing your progress, very inspiring , and more than anything I am pleased for you that
you are connecting the dots, so that you can be the best you are capable of being , isnt't it amazing
that addiction of our loved ones , can have us look at ourseles , to make improvements , and changes,
from our inner core , to create empathy and see how we react , and learn to respond , rather than judge
although; there is pain , there is hope for our personal growth , i have expereinced , similiar situations
and i am grateful and thankful , for this path , at times not ,but overall i am pleased to be me , thanks for
sharing your insight today, blessings

[Gerilyn]

Thank you for posting this Jim. I believe my problem (was) that I was very judgemental. I'm mortified by some of my past thoughts. Just yesterday my daughter was bringing up a situation in which a woman she was in the holding cell with in court had 30 misdemeanors and of course I wanted to do the eye roll. I mean, 30...give me a break, right? WRONG. I don't know her situation. Maybe most of them were for stealing food for her children. I have learned to listen, be patient, not be judgemental, and allow the course of action to play itself out.

Unfortunately, the rest of the world has not been introduced to the 12 step program. It's hard sometimes to sit back and listen to others as they make the same judgemental comments that you yourself once would have made (or at least thought). I admit that I was clueless when it came to drug addiction. The only people that truly get it are the loved ones of addicts when we are faced with it.

Together in this journey,
Gerilyn

[kathyf]

Dear Jim,

Great insights and very wise, too. You are learning to reframe your thoughts towards compassion, understanding and non-judgement. This is a wonderful thing and today I will be thinking about what you wrote and how it applies to me.

Glad to be walking this journey with you. You are truly a very good friend of mine.

Love,
Kathy

[Jim78]

Thanks to all of my family for your replies.

As Gerilyn stated "Unfortunately, the rest of the world has not been introduced to the 12 step program." As my therapist once told me "The world would be much better off if most people just practiced the 1st step". I think he is correct. Too many people believe they are in control of much more than they really are, which was certainly me before Nar-anon. That damn ego again.

Jim

[Lyra]

This is a good thread and thanks for sharing Jim:). I am struggling these days with the first step-it seems one minute I admit things are unmanageable and I cant control my addict, the next minute Im grabbing things back from my HP and trying to control once again. Expectations are in layers...and I find that they are insidious and sneak up on me without me realizing it. I may have gotten rid of some expectations but others are disguised and its only after I've stressed myself and my ALO out being frustrated and annoyed with something not happening like its "supposed to" that I realize what is happening. I wish I could nip these things in the bud, but sometimes its not until Ive already let it get to me that I understand whats going on.

I also keep conveniently forgetting that my ALO is not of sound mind-because sometimes it seems like he is-and that I can't expect him to stick to anything he says, recovery related or NOT, plan, promise, idea, its all chaos because things can and do change any minute. My analytical mind hates that, but guess what, it is what it is and this is the situation!

My ALO yesterday informed me that I needed to relax, not try to control everything, and be more flexible and I knew he was right- a 12 mile bike ride and strength training work out later I was ready to admit it publically. My expectations of him to actually do anything he says he is going to do are totally unrealistic AND I do need to relax-trying to control anything my ALO does, says, plans to do, says he wants to do, informs me that we should do-all of that means NOTHING while he is in active addiction. I have to go with the flow-AND if I dont like what he's up to no one said I had to hang out with him. So what if he doesnt follow through with his plans? I can have my own plans-AND follow through on them as much or as little as I like. Master of my hula hoop, thats me.