Over 18 Son and feel helpless

[Goodale]

My 22 year old son, who lives with me, I am convinced, has a serious addiction. I suspect heroin.

A year or two ago he had some legal issues that resulted in a conviction for pawning some jewelry he had taken from his mother. He got no jail as it was not a felony and it was a first offense. He received probation and mandatory drug counseling though at the time it appeared that drug use not as big an issue as I believe it is today. He went to the counseling and received a clean bill for the courts and that episode ended. Things went along peacefully for probably a year or more.

He is broke. Has been laid off from several jobs and with his criminal record finding a new one is difficult. He works part time delivering for a local restaurant. Weekly income maybe $250/week. Hard to say as it is all tips.

A few months ago I gave him one of my credit cards to pay for something I needed while I was out of town. He kept it and for a while there was only the occasion charge for a tank of gas.

All of a sudden he turned it up the spending and charged almost $3,000 in one month. I believe maybe $1,000 of it was buying gift cards and selling them for cash. He vehemently denies going back on drugs at all, except the occasional marijuana, says he has a spending problem on clothes etc., and gave me the card back (OK, I had to ask maybe 3 times, but I got it back).

Things were quiet again for a month or more. Last week he cashed $800 in $100 checks taken from a checkbook refill of mine (so I know the check numbers are above anything I have used). He makes them out to himself and is amazing good at forging my name.

The last two days, for the first time ever, his eyes were totally glassy when he got up. They looked like they could glow in the dark.

Last night I confronted him about the checks and my suspicion he could only need that much money for drugs. No yelling on my part at all. Suggested returning to counseling where he had been or a more aggressive Rehab program locally.

He denies the checks are forged (I will spare you the ridiculous story about when he says I gave them to him) and swore he is in the 3rd year of being sober. Our argument is always about me "accusing him of being on drugs" when he is not. Sorry, but he is a proven liar, and I can ask - asking isn't the same as accusing. He got mad and stormed out last night only to send me a bunch of text messages about how rotten it is that I never trust him when he says he isn’t using. He says he won't take a drug test as it will show his ocasional marijuana use.

I am sure you are all convinced, as I am, he is back on drugs, and probably some pretty serious ones when you look at all the money he has robbed from me this year. In case you are wondering, I really can't afford it at all. I was out of work for 11 months two years ago and am still recovering from that financial disaster. I make a fair amount of money again now, but certainly can't afford to support a drug habit even if I wanted too.

I think I am going to talk to his attorney. Maybe I am overestimating the consequences of the check forging. Maybe there is something else he could be charged with that would force rehab without real jail time. My fear is that when I close off his source of money (which I have done already) he will commit a crime again and there will be no preventing the worst consequences.

Because of his previous legal issue, if I go the police with the forged checks, he is looking at some real jail time I suspect. Many I know will say that is what I should do. I really just want to get him in Rehab. If the only way to get that to happen is for me to turn him in for forgery, I guess I have to. If he were under 18, this would be pretty simple. What do you do with a 22 year old? Do I really have to send my son to jail to help him?

I am in Eastern PA and would like to find a group.

[dtosh]

Your story is familiar here. Denial is one of the first strong symptoms of the disease of addiction in both the addict and loved ones. It comes in many forms, but it comes to us all. We learn to follow our guts because our hearts are easy prey for the beast of addiction. It is not easy and it can't be coped with alone.

Living in Eastern PA should put you close to Nar-Anon meetings, especially in SE PA. If you can't find one, send me a PM and I'll help.

[wheretoturn]

I am sure most of us can relate to how helpless you feel. We are not here to give advice, but I only want to say that my son is 37 and just this week he sold a car that the loan was in my name, for $500 and I am left owing $4000 for the car. If I could turn back the clock when he was that age, I would make him pay the consequences for his actions no matter how stiff the punishment. I wish this minute that mine were in jail. At least he might stay clean.

I have put him out of my house, but only after his reporting a debit card as lost that had my grandson's child support money from his mother on it....I was carrying the card and he knew it, yet reported it lost and got a new card and used $1000 for crack ...money that belonged to his own 14 yr old son. The following week he stole a credit card out of my pocket book, and then this week when he ran out of resources, he sold the car.

He is now on the street homeless, with no job, and no money. I realize I enabled him all these years. I didn't want to see him going to jail because I did think of the addiction as an illness. I always picked up the pieces of his latest crack binge, always believing he could stop. All it taught him was whatever he did Mom would take care of it. Fast forward now to all these years later, and Mom is broke, and alone, and even now everybody is texting me wanting to know if my son is okay, and I am probably as sick as he is.

I didn't know about this program, and I still don't have a sponsor, but I can tell you if we don't work a program, and find peace and serinity like these other people on here have, the stress will kill us. Your son is still young, and you have to trust your gut feelings...mine is always right. If i get that feeling that something isn't right with him, it always turns out that I was right. It is amazing how good they get at lying and manipulating.

Take care of yourself first. I hope I am not out of line with this, but I just wish I would have had someone to really tell me, let him pay the consequences. I always thought he was different from the other drug users, because way back then he had not stolen from me, nor had he been disrespectful. Addiction to crack is a progressive disease. I am not sure about some of the other drugs. I remember a family meeting though where they said, "you never get to go back to the first time you use. Each time you relapse will be as bad as the last time, " and that has proven to be true in his case.

Vicki

[drinkingwater]

Hi Goodale,
Welcome to our family! I hate the reason we are all here, but I am so glad that we are here.

Here's a link to find a meeting near you: http://www.nar-anon.org/Nar-Anon/Nar-Anon_Groups.html

I can't tell you what to but I can tell you that I experienced some similar things with my addict. He stole money and other things from me. I let it slide until he stole something my grandmother had given me. At that point, I had to set a boundary to protect myself. My boundary was that I would not tolerate stealing and that I'd call the police if it happened again. It wasn't fair to ME to allow him to get away with things that I wouldn't let a stranger get away with. Preventing him from feeling the consequences of his actions has just kept him in his addiction even longer. As long as people enable him - like his parents, who pay his car insurance, cell phone, and other things - he will never hit his bottom and seek treatment.

I can't tell you what you "should" do with regard to the forgery. You have to do what you're comfortable with. But I can tell you that forcing rehab on someone isn't necessarily going to make them get clean and enter recovery. An addict has to want to change. We have what we call the Three C's: You didn't CAUSE his addiction, you can't CONTROL your addict and you can't CURE your addict. You know that saying "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink" ? I tried to lead my addict to rehab for a long time but I couldn't make him embrace recovery. He had to choose it for himself and he still hasn't. Some addicts do, eventually. As long as they're breaking, there's hope.

Keep coming back!

::hugs::
Lindsey

[lmg]

All it taught him was whatever he did Mom would take care of it. Fast forward now to all these years later, and Mom is broke, and alone, and even now everybody is texting me wanting to know if my son is okay, and I am probably as sick as he is.

You described me to a tee. In the weeks since I started working the program, the role I have played in my son's addiction has become so very clear to me. Cher's song "Turn back time" keeps popping in my head. I so wish I could turn that clock back and do things differently. But I can't. The only thing I can do is do things differently moving forward. I am powerless over my son and his addiction and my life has become unmanageable. I want and deserve to have peace and serenity in my life and now have hope that I can obtain that.

(((Hugs)))
Lori

[kathyf]

Sorry you are financially impaired due to theft. My son ultimately landed in jail due to stealing. I really thought there was nothing worse than felonies and it was not what I had hoped for my son. Ultimately he landed in prison. Today I am grateful for this - he is not in recovery but he is not using. While it's forced abstinence, it's the best I have. My son has been to rehab 6 times and continued to use. He has never made the choice to attend rehab for recovery; they have all been forced.

Addicts are master manipulators and I frequently found myself questioning my own sanity.

Love,
Kathy

[YouWillBe]

I fully believe jail is NOT the worst thing for a child. There are times (like right now when my girl is so out of control it's terrifying) that I WISH she were in jail.

Our daughter stole from us so stealthily that it was awhile before I knew what had happened. Meanwhile she was allowed in our home and we thought everything was peachy. One day I went to my jewelry chest to find my original wedding set and it was nowhere. Either was ANY SINGLE ONE OF THE PRECIOUS RINGS MY HUSBAND GAVE ME OVER THE YEARS. None of them were there. She knows how much those meant to me. Birthdays, anniversaries, just-because...all of them held so much sentimental value and I could not wrap my mind around the fact that she took them.

A debit card and cash out of my purse. Her dad's laptop. "Little" things that didn't necessarily warrant a call to the police. But they should have. She should have had to pay for what she's taken - either in money or time. But to keep the peace and hope she would get better we didn't. She has spent a combined several months in jail for theft. She's been arrested for it EIGHT times. She will not stop because she needs drug money, has a felony, and can't hold or even GET a job because she's not clean.

It's easy for others to sit back and tell you what to do...but in my experience the behavior escalates steadily, until someday it may not be YOU he's stealing from but someone else who might not be as benevolent and understanding of his situation. Maybe someone dangerous.

[river rock]

Ive shared some of your same problems
As alot of us have. The thing here is if
If he isnt ready for recovery, he won't
Change. Rehab is not a fix unless he really
Wants it and works hard after, it is not
A magical fix, ive seen it more than once
Go to rehab and use the day they get out
Because they werent ready. We cant fix them
We are powerless over them.we can
Fix ourselves so we can find some peace
Hope you keep coming and reading and
Learning, so much on here to help. If you
Havent already find a meeting, we
Have them on here every night.
River rock

[Cheryl]

Welcome to our family. I understand only too well the dilemma with which you are faced. There are no right or wrong answers. I had to call the police on my son several times but not for as serious offenses. Eventually though, we were able to use his legal problems to force him into treatment. He went through six programs over a 16 month time period before he finally decided that he was sick and tired of being sick and tired, and that he wanted a better life. But it had to be his decision.

For me, as I worked on my own recovery, I was able to detach from all of the chaos of my son' addiction. This program saved my sanity. I hope you keep coming back.

Cheryl

[Shelly]

I fully believe jail is NOT the worst thing for a child. There are times (like right now when my girl is so out of control it's terrifying) that I WISH she were in jail.


It's easy for others to sit back and tell you what to do...but in my experience the behavior escalates steadily, until someday it may not be YOU he's stealing from but someone else who might not be as benevolent and understanding of his situation. Maybe someone dangerous.

I've had a son in jail for a short time. It's just as stressful if not more than having him doing drugs. He doesn't steal. My younger AS steals from anyone. He is a mess. It's so sad. We have a good family and live in a good neighborhood. The depths of his addiction is unbelievable to me. I have experience with addiction from other family members. He is the worst case I've ever seen.
Shelly

[kathyf]

Unfortunately, addiction does not discriminate. It affects people from all walks of life. I, too, consider myself from a good family, I have a beautiful home in a wonderful neighborhood, and my son had a lot of opportunities as he was growing up. Unfortunately, he has the disease of addiction. My son received 6 felonies in the matter of a few months and was the headline of our local newspaper when he stole from Walmart after cutting the security system with wire cutters. He was found by a K-9 unit hiding in a tree. He was ultimately sentenced to prison.This certainly wasn't any type of behavior I was accustomed to!!!!

Hugs to you, my friend. Have you been to a meeting yet?

Love,
Kathy

[Goodale]

Thanks for all the comments. It was a very hard weekend for me. Both sons - seperate issues - many of you know how it is I am sure. There seems to be no end possible and no good outcoome until we all completely bottom out. I think one son myay be there now, the other and myself are not even close. I need to jump off this train before it realy hits that bottom wall. I am afraid I can't do anything to help my son. I can just pray he has a somewhat spoft landing when he hits it.

What did help a lot this weekend was I attended my first meeting Friday night. I will be looking for another early this week as well. While I certainly am a mess, it is important to know unfortuately that my story is all too typical, and people do come out the other end of this dark tunnel.

thanks to all of you.

[lmg]

What did help a lot this weekend was I attended my first meeting Friday night. I will be looking for another early this week as well.

Good for you! Go to as many meetings as you can. They really really help! If you can't find a Nar-Anon meeting close to you, go to an Al-Anon meeting or join an on-line meeting here. I've been going to 3-4 meetings a week for the past 5 weeks and am already in a better place mentally and emotionally, than I have been for years. I am learning that I deserve as much peace and happiness as my loved ones I have been focusing on all these years.

Hugs,
Lori