Over a year in this program makes a huge difference and I feel like I have a come a long way. Yet, I have some lingering codie stuff going on and I would appreciate any ES&H you have on how to work through it, how to transform it. I know that coming and sharing about it is the first step.
Part of my disease is not knowing where my husband ends and I begin. So when someone gossips about him, it hurts me. When someone is rude to him, it hurts me. The other day we were with his family and his sister was relentlessly picking him apart. She criticized the way he chewed, the way he was dressed, the fact that he had taken some things from his mom's house the weekend before and they were still sitting in his car (he hadn't transferred them to our house) and so on.
I know better than to butt in. I didn't say anything while we were there and I didn't bring it up with my husband later. I know it's his to deal with. And yet, I just wonder -- will the day come when I see that kind of interaction and not react inwardly to it? Will I be able to see that kind of thing take place and not feel an overwhelming surge of sadness and anger? Is there anything I can do detach more?
It also happened when I found out that some friends were gossiping about him. I felt it as if they were gossiping about me. So often in the past, people were verbally abusive towards him and I experienced it as if it were directed to me.
I think it's natural to feel sad when we watch someone we love being hurt by another person. It is so degrading to see his sister talk to him like that. I think there is a certain level of emotion that would go along with seeing that happen to anyone we love, yet I think that to the degree that I feel it when it comes to my husband, is unhealthy.
If any of you have experienced this, I would greatly appreciate any ES&H. Thank God I have my program so I don't react anymore, but I wonder if the day will come when I don't feel it so intensely. I really hope so.
Love you all!
With love & appreciation,
"Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know."
- Pema Chodron